Going backwards

So further degradation happens to the marriage…

Hubby and I haven’t spoken since Sunday when he assumed I was resentful of him having a coffee and not buying catfood. He of course justified that by asking me if I resented it to which I replied yes I did resent it – putting words into my mouth which I then used.

We had to leave early for church as the eldest was drumming so I hung out in the kids room while rehearsals were going on. We arrived home and hubby was sitting on his laptop (writing his ship stuff) and there was nothing prepared for dinner. I was hungry and the four kids were hungry. I saw red.

Suffice to say there was yelling (by the eldest and then I), some name calling and eventually the kids and I got a dinner together while hubby went off to bed in a huff without eating. He seriously didn’t get how failing to even start a meal (the only meal of the day with us all) could have helped. I’m sorry, but how dumb can you be?!

Of course a very short time after we’d prepared food he declared that he’d finished his article. The middlest’s response was “that’s convenient”. It’s not just me completely frustrated by this man.

So we stopped talking and have barely spoken since then. Our daughter has given up being nice to him and tells him how it is and he doesn’t appreciate her “cheek” and he says she sounds just like me. Truth hurts and he isn’t doing anything on his end to help himself.

On Monday after I’d left my phone behind all day and was then subsequently asked out for a motorbike ride this weekend with friends I was so reluctant to go. It was as if it was too much effort to go out and be social with them. It was certainly too much effort to act nice with hubby and I not talking but I assumed that that would have been sorted out by the weekend with the usual frostiness gone and the subject therefore ignored.

Imagine my surprise when he says that over Easter he’s been asked to crew for disabled sailing events near us. It’s our youngest boy’s birthday and he’s planning on not even being around for that. As it turns out he’s bringing the youngest to the sailing with him (he’s a very obliging kid).

It’s a long weekend and he’s making himself unavailable. Oh, he did say he’d keep himself free on Saturday but he emailed me to say “understand if you’d rather I didn’t join you on the bike ride.” What the hell am I supposed to understand from that?!

I just felt hurt and anger. I had told him it was for both of us to ride with this couple. Why would he therefore assume he wasn’t welcome? Instead of responding in anger I tried to just leave it there and deal with it when I wasn’t going to be reacting out of hurt. That wasn’t good enough and when I hadn’t responded he asked if I could because he needed to confirm with the club.

I told him succinctly that he could confirm. His response was asking me about his suggestion for Saturday. When I told him to “suit yourself” he then said ok and later emailed “what’s wrong with you?” My response as un-angry as I could manage simply “Well you’re obviously clever enough to think there’s something wrong. How about you use those brains and figure it out”

His response is a long email saying how I’ve taken his power to communicate, our daughter is disrespectful (you should hear the hateful tone he speaks to her with), our marriage is over and he wants us to live separate lives under one roof to save the house.

I doubt he’ll appreciate my response but it was that he should get a new psychologist on a weekly basis as he needs someone to sort out how he’s feeling about things or it’s a useless exercise.

Somehow I doubt that will happen – proving in another way how I and the kids just aren’t worth the hard work. He says he’s read parenting books – one by Bill Cosby (he’s a comedian not a behaviourist) and another light hearted parent book. He saw John Burns talk about the “Miracle in a Daddy’s hug” yet can’t get over himself and be a grown up in his relationship with his daughter. She behaves smarter than he does.

So I’m sad. I’m hurt. I’m angry. But I don’t feel there is any point saying any of this as it falls on deaf ears. I’ve said it in the past and he deflects my comments. Instead it’s been taking up the majority of my thinking this morning at work and I’m struggling to get past this hurdle.

There was even a song on the radio this morning that seemed to match exactly what was going on in my heart – “Don’t give up” by Calling Glory:

This time your heart said its had enough
Sick and tired of everything that’s so messed up
You don’t wanna move on just playing games
Praying hard somehow your life will change
When you feel like you don’t know what to do
Stuck inside this maze you can’t go through

(chorus)
Don’t give up
and help is surely on its way
and don’t give up
and the dark is breaking in today
and just keep on moving through these storms
and soon enough you’ll find the door
just don’t give up
oh and don’t give up

These walls around you are caving in
And your life seems like it is wearing thin
Your hope is drowning in despair
It looks like you’re not going anywhere
Step inside this Heart and then you’ll see
Such a love that is so amazing

And that was before his bombshell of it’s over, I give up (ok, I guess it’s not so much of a bombshell to me but it’s been declared by him now)

Using J’s technique of bringing the Consequential feelings back to Beliefs I guess it just drills down to again “I’m not worth it”. If hubby was to use the self same technique God only knows what insecurities it would bring out in him. He had one insecure childhood and artificial father-figures giving him examples of how men act in an all male environment.

I don’t have the energy to try and sort out his issues as well as my own. I don’t have the energy to tiptoe around his needs of just wanting “a little kindness and gentleness” when he won’t even accept his own shortfalls. The one time we had some progress was when he first started on Prozac himself. He listened, for a short time but he was going to a psych regularly and he seemed to try to change but it was unsustained.

Here’s to backsliding

Pip