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16 May, 2016

I feel like I’m in dire need of it today. Let me fill in the gaps.

The ex returned to the state March 3 or thereabouts – I’m not quite sure as my kids refused to tell me. Either way I moved out of the house because I was fearful for my safety if we were to see each other and he’d threatened my partner to the point where he’d taken out a restraint order.

When he tried to get a rental he told me that he was unable to get past the credit check due to an outstanding school fee debt. A short while later he moved back into the marital home with our two teenagers.

I continued to get harassed by him via email so eventually blocked that too and he has no direct access to me. He inadvertently found out my new address due to a Centrelink cockup and my son messaged me about the discovery and changing it.

So my partner and I did a raid of the house in April. We took the furniture that the ex and I had left uncontested on a spreadsheet. I had put my name to some items, so did he, then there were things we’d both put our names to and some neither of us had put our names to.

He then took it on himself to say that he and the teens could no longer live in the marital home and was threatening to leave it. No one said anymore as the house was on the market and I knew he’d move on in time anyway (and he’d a bad credit rating preventing him from renting).

So last week I sent a request through our lawyers saying I wanted to get some things from the house and I expected to be unsupervised (without him there) while I did it. I was after some of my books that I’d left behind.

I had been ignored by my kids on Mother’s Day and when I commented on the distress I’d felt I was attacked on Facebook by my middle boy. What I’ve since heard is that what I’d posted had been relayed to the eldest and he (who has blocked me) had a rant on his own page (for all our friends to see).

Friday rolled along and neither my ex’s lawyer, nor he, responded to my request to retrieve the books. I happened to talk to my youngest boy on Saturday and he informed me that they had moved out of the house and wouldn’t tell me where they were living or anything else.

So the next day I went to the house to get the box of books. I was devastated to not only find that the ex had vacated the property but had stripped the house almost bare. He’d taken stuff that hadn’t been agreed on, he’d left stuff he’d requested initially and a mound of discarded items still in the shed.

Of course, the books I’d requested were missing. I think I’d made the mistake of asking friends on Facebook for those type of books specifically. This was seen by two of my sons and I believe the information was passed on either to their father or the eldest who was helping move stuff from the house and taken to stop me being able to get them.

Leaving the house with some more of my folders for work, personal items and still leaving behind things I couldn’t fit in the car I was numb. It was as we drove away from the house that the tears began to fall, the heavy heart, the feeling of betrayal, the feeling of hatred towards me just grew and grew.

We returned home and I had a drink. Not one to normally drown my sorrows in a bottle and having jiggled with meds this weekend things just continued to overwhelm. This all tipped over the balance with me bursting into tears in work this morning and making an emergency appointment with my GP believing that I couldn’t keep it together in work or continue in my despair.

I then remembered to take a Largactil and this has settled the brain down a little. Sure I want to take a break from work – I want to stop drowning from the pain and to be honest, taking the meds has helped some.

My partner is worried for me though and has been immensely considerate. He’s been keeping an eye on my mood. He’s felt helpless to do much more than watch me in pain. He’s held me and he’s encouraged me by telling me I’m doing good and doing better than I have before.

Last night he gave me instructions on smashing a bottle against a wall. He thinks I did it wrong when I was unable to yell in my pain. But I did smash it, eventually – after two missed attempts (I can’t throw for nuts) and then cleaned it up.

We have both discussed the whole cathartic treatment of smashing something as therapy and I’ve suggested that it be ceramics and the shards be used to create something new. His idea is that cleaning up the mess is just as cathartic. Either way, it did work somewhat.

I wondered this morning though why this last act has seemed to hurt me more than the rest of the acts against me. Maybe it hasn’t, maybe it all has hurt but in the middle of the pain it feels so much more raw.

I wondered about the whole “taking offence” thing. Was I taking offence and what was I going to do about releasing that offence. I spat out the “I forgive …”. But I continued to hurt and writhe in agony of what had been done to me by someone who told me that they had wanted me back, wanted “reconciliation”, or wanted to be “friends”.

I feel so betrayed, not just by my ex, but by my kids. They seem fixated on the last 8-9 months but forget about the 15+ years that I gave up everything for them all. There is all this anger floating around and being targeted at me by 5+ people. I say “+” because mutual friends have taken sides. Mutual friends have been asked/told to take sides and they have done so.

When I removed my items of furniture I had a message sent to me with a scathing accusation saying what kind of “Christian mother steals from her children”. Yet if I hadn’t left the house it would have been ok for my ex to have taken stuff to furnish his place from our joint property? Just as it had been ok for him to authorise/endorse the stealing of photo albums, computer, tv – when he’d said he’d never set foot in the house again.

So my “in pain” thinking says to hurt him, to damage his property, to lash out in angry words at him. But in doing so will just give him power and I don’t want to give him anymore power over me. He sapped my strength in the years in our marriage. I refuse to let him continue to invade my happiness and my future without him.

I’m told by friends that my kids will come around. It’s hard to see that they will at this point in time. They have said some hurtful things and have been complicit to being bought out by their father. They have believed him when he says things and have even gone so far as to say those things back to me. They have also run to him with stories from me. Things not necessarily private but where they will protect him there is no protection for me. I’m alone against them.

Trying the “one step” approach. One step at a time.


tags [separation, greed, property, steal, raid]

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