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Feeling all kinds of fucked up

5 July, 2016

This last week has been tumultuous. Between “coincidental” meetings with my ex, seeing him again the following day, being emailed multiple times by him and phone calls, I’m on edge again.

My partner was going to have him charged – turns out we can’t do it without getting himself into trouble. I knew it was a possibility but to have this futile effort seems to be wearing.

Not only are we dealing with it from my side, my partner is having issues with his ex too. Recently she took one of the girls home sick from school in his uniforms and when we asked for them back and the girls back into his care she refused.

She of course made promises to police but again they were wrapped around untruths.

When he went to drop the kids off to her yesterday she wasn’t home, but her boyfriend was. Not wanting to leave the kids in his care Dad has waited until changeover time passed and then left.

She was aware of this and when she tried to say he was denying access he’s asked for the uniforms to be dropped off when she comes to collect the girls. Nothing. Silence. And she wouldn’t even respond to her daughter calling her.

So we are an unsettled home. Not knowing what the retaliation will be. The girls on the other hand are stress free and were laughing hysterically this morning during their bathtime. It was wonderful to hear.

When I asked the eldest if they were to be dropped off in an attempt to get them to her mother she said there was no point.

In some ways I miss my partner and I having one on one time. I stupidly found myself jealous (for the first time) of his eldest coming up for cuddles and just loitering around when I wanted some time in the evening without the girls.

And he’s been distracted by it all and preoccupied – as you do…

I’ll be glad when things get back to normal and we slot into our routine again. I love having the girls around. It almost feels like I’m able to pour all my misguided love into them and they are soaking it up.

In some ways I’m even somewhat afraid to get closer to them and have to reconcile that in my head as my own kids reject me.

My 16 year old daughter – had a birthday a month ago and is currently on a mission trip in Vietnam. She wouldn’t say goodbye to me before she left.

And the conversation with my ex – he was again acting like a victim. He’s refusing to do a Parenting Separately Course to allow us parent our kids and continues, in my mind, to poison them with his oh, so subtle jibes about me that he will deny.

It’s just one of those couple of days. I’m tired and mentally strained.

Pulling through…

Pip

Open reply to the “ex”

7 June, 2016

Hi P

Sorry for emailing, but I just wanted you to know I still miss you terribly. I wish there was some way the clock could be turned back and we could have you home with your family.

J

*names edited

I don’t “miss you”. In fact the reason I am even seeing this email is due to you being sneaky and using yet another email address to bypass my blocked email addresses against you.

How I wish I had a restraint order against you so you could be dragged before the court – held in custody even, while you face charges for breaching a restraint order. But instead you get away with the insipid contact proving to me that you are neither moving on yourself, nor allowing me to parent my children as their mother.

You see my kids believe the stories you are spinning them about me. They are sucking the venom you are spewing and believing the words, to a point of even making them their own.

I’ve read a number of articles on narcissists now and how breaking free of one is so difficult. I’ve read articles on Parental Alienation and see the damage you are causing to my kids who I stood to protect for so many years.

I acknowledge that there are some aspects of the narcissist that you do not match but you match so many others. You have learned from your parents and you have fallen into a niche where you are acting by default now.

You have not grown over the years into a better person. You have not allowed life to smooth the rough edges – in fact if anything you have become more abrasive. Your mental health is questionable to me.

Understand me in this – I don’t seek to tear you down by questioning your mental health though, unlike you doing the same to me. I have seen you say so many conflicting things through this process. Words of hate, words of love, words of disbelief, words that contradict and words that destroy.

A counsellor seems to think your reaction is “normal” but again I will say, “normal does not mean permissible”. I believe you have spun lies to those around you about me and I have chosen in most cases not to react.

You have had the balls to tell our daughter to move out and live with me one moment, move out with friends and then live with you in the UK for 18 months. You are playing with her emotions and emotional security. While you profess to protect your children you are tearing them apart and they can’t/won’t see it for years.

You continue to try and undermine my current relationship with a man who loves me and I have grown, and continue, to love daily deeper and deeper. He makes me think, feel, understand more about myself than I have before and I am constantly blown away by being so physically attracted to a man again.

I found myself looking at you over the years and wondering what attracted me about you and I was empty. I felt like something was wrong with me for feeling no physical affection for you but this man, I look at him with adoring wonder, joy, and love as I learn more about him and grow with him.

You used to say how much you were looking forward to us growing old together. You used to look at me wondering what the hell was going on in my head when I had crazy thoughts and became passionate about something but now I see that you were terrified that I would find a life beyond you. You would feign encouragement but you would then sound your disapproval of the people I mixed with.

You were happiest when I joined you on your interests but you would never want to do something I chose to do. Anything that I asked was fought against, oh so subtly at first and then not so subtly. So I learned to acquiesce, to give in and eventually to either do my own thing alone or not do it – and with that my passion and my heart began to die.

I followed you to the other side of the world to give you a chance at a new start. I left my family – who cared about me and I never appreciated them, or their care. You were already estranged from your parents.

From the other side of the world I then followed you to the other side of the continent and back again. We thought we were blessed when we bought our old house back again – sure I missed it but you, you were forever stuck in the past.

I anchored the kids and schooled them while you worked during the day and then continued working in the evenings. We went through multiple sessions of marriage counselling and time and again you fell back into your old patterns of neglect of us all. You claimed you did it for the money because I was overspending but if it wasn’t there and I had you I would not have needed to fill that void in my life.

Time came for me to get a job and yes, it is an all-consuming job when I’m in it and we failed to learn how to navigate my down time, to my detriment and lack of understanding. Dealing with 24 hour rotational shifts, crying children, continuing to manage a household of 6 eventually broke me down. Our relationship foundered and I could no longer carry it all.

We stopped being a team who pulled together many many years ago. You were more interested in work binges than what was important to me and while they gave light to “funny” stories they hurt immeasurably at you unsupporting me in my own endeavours.

The erosion began so many years ago when our boys were young and I was fighting against child care costs and barely making enough money some weeks to cover the costs of having another woman care for our boys.

You lost me. You threw me away. I continued to fight for you, for us but to no avail – until MY very essence drowned under the burden.

So now, I am free. I am free of you and your control (which I’m sure you would say you never exerted). But that is how you see yourself – as the victim. And I can’t win against that, nor will I try.

I am free. And I choose to give myself and grow myself with someone else.

And I will choose to turn my children when they do finally come around (as all my friends tell me they will) and get them to face you with all your frailties and tell them that in your own misguided way you did love them.

Pip

Therapy

16 May, 2016

I feel like I’m in dire need of it today. Let me fill in the gaps.

The ex returned to the state March 3 or thereabouts – I’m not quite sure as my kids refused to tell me. Either way I moved out of the house because I was fearful for my safety if we were to see each other and he’d threatened my partner to the point where he’d taken out a restraint order.

When he tried to get a rental he told me that he was unable to get past the credit check due to an outstanding school fee debt. A short while later he moved back into the marital home with our two teenagers.

I continued to get harassed by him via email so eventually blocked that too and he has no direct access to me. He inadvertently found out my new address due to a Centrelink cockup and my son messaged me about the discovery and changing it.

So my partner and I did a raid of the house in April. We took the furniture that the ex and I had left uncontested on a spreadsheet. I had put my name to some items, so did he, then there were things we’d both put our names to and some neither of us had put our names to.

He then took it on himself to say that he and the teens could no longer live in the marital home and was threatening to leave it. No one said anymore as the house was on the market and I knew he’d move on in time anyway (and he’d a bad credit rating preventing him from renting).

So last week I sent a request through our lawyers saying I wanted to get some things from the house and I expected to be unsupervised (without him there) while I did it. I was after some of my books that I’d left behind.

I had been ignored by my kids on Mother’s Day and when I commented on the distress I’d felt I was attacked on Facebook by my middle boy. What I’ve since heard is that what I’d posted had been relayed to the eldest and he (who has blocked me) had a rant on his own page (for all our friends to see).

Friday rolled along and neither my ex’s lawyer, nor he, responded to my request to retrieve the books. I happened to talk to my youngest boy on Saturday and he informed me that they had moved out of the house and wouldn’t tell me where they were living or anything else.

So the next day I went to the house to get the box of books. I was devastated to not only find that the ex had vacated the property but had stripped the house almost bare. He’d taken stuff that hadn’t been agreed on, he’d left stuff he’d requested initially and a mound of discarded items still in the shed.

Of course, the books I’d requested were missing. I think I’d made the mistake of asking friends on Facebook for those type of books specifically. This was seen by two of my sons and I believe the information was passed on either to their father or the eldest who was helping move stuff from the house and taken to stop me being able to get them.

Leaving the house with some more of my folders for work, personal items and still leaving behind things I couldn’t fit in the car I was numb. It was as we drove away from the house that the tears began to fall, the heavy heart, the feeling of betrayal, the feeling of hatred towards me just grew and grew.

We returned home and I had a drink. Not one to normally drown my sorrows in a bottle and having jiggled with meds this weekend things just continued to overwhelm. This all tipped over the balance with me bursting into tears in work this morning and making an emergency appointment with my GP believing that I couldn’t keep it together in work or continue in my despair.

I then remembered to take a Largactil and this has settled the brain down a little. Sure I want to take a break from work – I want to stop drowning from the pain and to be honest, taking the meds has helped some.

My partner is worried for me though and has been immensely considerate. He’s been keeping an eye on my mood. He’s felt helpless to do much more than watch me in pain. He’s held me and he’s encouraged me by telling me I’m doing good and doing better than I have before.

Last night he gave me instructions on smashing a bottle against a wall. He thinks I did it wrong when I was unable to yell in my pain. But I did smash it, eventually – after two missed attempts (I can’t throw for nuts) and then cleaned it up.

We have both discussed the whole cathartic treatment of smashing something as therapy and I’ve suggested that it be ceramics and the shards be used to create something new. His idea is that cleaning up the mess is just as cathartic. Either way, it did work somewhat.

I wondered this morning though why this last act has seemed to hurt me more than the rest of the acts against me. Maybe it hasn’t, maybe it all has hurt but in the middle of the pain it feels so much more raw.

I wondered about the whole “taking offence” thing. Was I taking offence and what was I going to do about releasing that offence. I spat out the “I forgive …”. But I continued to hurt and writhe in agony of what had been done to me by someone who told me that they had wanted me back, wanted “reconciliation”, or wanted to be “friends”.

I feel so betrayed, not just by my ex, but by my kids. They seem fixated on the last 8-9 months but forget about the 15+ years that I gave up everything for them all. There is all this anger floating around and being targeted at me by 5+ people. I say “+” because mutual friends have taken sides. Mutual friends have been asked/told to take sides and they have done so.

When I removed my items of furniture I had a message sent to me with a scathing accusation saying what kind of “Christian mother steals from her children”. Yet if I hadn’t left the house it would have been ok for my ex to have taken stuff to furnish his place from our joint property? Just as it had been ok for him to authorise/endorse the stealing of photo albums, computer, tv – when he’d said he’d never set foot in the house again.

So my “in pain” thinking says to hurt him, to damage his property, to lash out in angry words at him. But in doing so will just give him power and I don’t want to give him anymore power over me. He sapped my strength in the years in our marriage. I refuse to let him continue to invade my happiness and my future without him.

I’m told by friends that my kids will come around. It’s hard to see that they will at this point in time. They have said some hurtful things and have been complicit to being bought out by their father. They have believed him when he says things and have even gone so far as to say those things back to me. They have also run to him with stories from me. Things not necessarily private but where they will protect him there is no protection for me. I’m alone against them.

Trying the “one step” approach. One step at a time.

Pip

tags [separation, greed, property, steal, raid]

Survival

13 April, 2016

When is it ever time to let go and move on? When is it time to walk away and know that life will never be the same again, but that’s ok?

Years ago I agonised over my failing marriage, my loss of self, my misery and loneliness. Finally, after much prayer, self seeking and consultation with experts I decided to tell my husband I needed him to leave the family home. At the time he agreed but since then he has flip flopped around like a dying fish gasping for air.

I knew, or learned, that he had few boundaries. I (stupidly I see now) brought up the eldest and youngest children up rarely hearing the word “No”. The result of this I now see is temper tantrums, disgust, seeking immediate gratification and expensive taste.

Sure, sometimes they will save their money for bigger ticket items but I’ve winced when I have said “no” and I get sulking from my daughter, or a sarcastic “thanks” when I couldn’t help out my son as I actually had my own life to get on with.

Now, with the marriage broken up, I am facing a son who says he’s disgusted by my behaviour and me refusing to do what he tells me to do, and a daughter who is of the same attitude. My ex still hasn’t gotten over the breakdown of the relationship (something my kids have seen coming for years).

Even this morning, he’s still seeking reconciliation. I’ve gone back to our “marriage counsellor”, with whom the ex is still going along to for support and told him that while his behaviour may be deemed “normal” by an angry ex, it is not “permissible” behaviour and I will no longer put up with not being listened to, acknowledged or have my “no” accepted as just that.

When the full truth does come out of how my ex has played out the separation (on earth or in heaven) I know I will just be further horrified, revolted and feeling pity for this man whom I shared my life with for over 20 years.

He’s turned into a victim and he does not play a pretty victim. He’s rallied his forces around him and given me vague notions of what they believe. He’s asked friends who supported me to unfriend me. He’s bombarded my Dad, in Ireland, with countless emails. He’s reported me to Child Protection Services. He’s reported me to the Department of Mental Health. He’s told me he had discovered himself through meditation. He told me he was praying and fasting for me – to get me back. He’s said the most hurtful things to me through other people, through my children. He’s listened to the venom and hurt and wallowed in it.

Yet he would want to put me through things he isn’t accepting happen to him… I removed uncontested furniture from the house after he’d moved back into the family home (he’d said he’d never return to the house because I’d sullied it and our bed) and this was after personal items had been “stolen” while I was living there – I still don’t know who was responsible for taking the items either into care for him or by him when he returned from overseas. But I’m supposed to “trust him”.

One thing I’ve heard a close friend say to me is that I am being judged by their own behaviour. By them saying I am expected to fleece my ex implies that that is what they might do. By my ex exaggerating that I “removed ALL the furniture” implied that it would have been okay for him to have furnished a rental he secured for him and the two remaining kids at home but I can’t do similar to make myself a home. It was okay for a child to remove my things from my room but when I took some of those things back they have revolted.

The one thing I have been consistent in doing is saying “No” and sticking by it unswervingly now. For the first time in years I have been strong enough to do so. It has been such a hard road to journey down and I know that it would have been even tougher to do it alone. That was where they wanted me, alone and isolated. A prisoner…

Well no more. I am taking small steps in learning to fly, to learn what I am capable of, to face a battle and not give up, to face an obstacle and deal with it rather than panicking. I will survive. I will overcome my fear. I will love myself. I will love the life I am making. And if I don’t thrive I know I will have put in all my effort to learn how to do better, for myself and for those I love around me.

The progress is slow. So slow some days that I feel like I’m failing but then I get around my support people who have done this journey ahead of me, or have watched me on mine, and they tell me I can do it and it will get better.

Right now I still continue to trust in God and that He has only good things ahead for me…

Pip

Dredging up the past and examining words

6 April, 2016

A restraint order had to be taken out by my partner against my ex. It was made final on Friday last and gives us some peace of mind with any further contact or approach to the house. Since doing the application I have investigated taking out a police family violence order out against the ex due to his ongoing harassment of contact, which he’s been told to stop.

I finally got around to gathering up just the Facebook messages – turns out there is 117 pages of conversation there between November and December when he was blocked!

I can’t say I’m proud to say I’m separated or that the separation is going well but I’m glad to be out of that and limiting the ex’s contact with me. I’ve blocked him on all social media since we split up with varying degrees of harassment from him.

I miss my kids though, who’ve been poisoned by the whole thing. I miss the everyday banter, the light chatter, the incidental news and even though I’ve been told it will get better this is the tough bit.

This morning I kicked my solicitor into high gear to tell the ex to stop all communication unless there is an emergency and then he can contact me through an emergency contact. I then bounced the final email access he’d had to me so I no longer see his emails on an almost daily basis, often in excess of 3 in a morning – this sets my mood off for the day and has me preoccupied at work, even without me responding to them.

I’ve been asked by the ex to meet for coffee – which in theory sounds fine but I expect that what starts out as ok would deteriorate just as our phone calls deteriorate with me getting angry, frustrated and loud, and him being all sanctimonious. Further “negative sentiment override” unfortunately.

And then there’s the trying to concentrate on work – easier when I haven’t been contacted by the ex. My head, while initially missing the expected contact – from the point of view that I don’t know when the next message might be coming, to the freedom when there has been two days of no contact. I still feel like I’m in fight or flight mode.

My partner has been wonderful though. Loving, tender, attentive and accepting that there needs to be discussion regularly about my ex for the meantime. I am more than grateful to have his love and cannot get enough of it.

In the meantime I have alienated children and the ex has approached our mutual friends asking them to choose to unfollow me. Talk about feeling betrayed by those you used to trust.

Sorry if my thoughts seem to be so disjointed about all of this – I’m new to the whole separation thing…

Pip

Words from a child

31 December, 2015

I heard today a six year old tell me that her sister had been overheard to say “Mummy wouldn’t care if I died” to her Daddy.

I hated hearing such desperation and low self esteem towards a parent.

I’ve gotten myself involved with this family and the girls are burrowing their way into my heart and my big momma bear heart is coming out wanting to protect them.

Oh my heart!

Pip

It’s been a while…

30 December, 2015

I know it’s been a little while, life has gotten busy. I have a new partner, boyfriend, best friend, supporter, help meet and all round nice man in my life.

Since I told hubby to move out in September there were some lows, some highs, some "shake my head in disbelief" moments and then the sun slowly and steadily began shining on my life again – for both of us.

Yesterday I found the Western Union payment slip – the last vestige of my ignorance, naivety, belief in what I thought was a real hope for a new life but here I sit incredulous of where I currently am…

So the scammer, once confronted stopped contacting me – at least they were that decent. A few days passed and my heart had dropped, the life had been taken from me for a brief moment and I thought about what I’d had and what I’d lost.

I’d fallen in love – with myself – and had to realise that while this ficticious "bloke" might have said all the right things it didn’t mean he would actually DO the right thing.

So since then I met "BeardOptional", got chatting on Zoosk, Hangouts and then met him. We have such similar desires with the written word – writing to him in chat is a pleasure. Reading what he writes is just like hearing him say it.

Where communication with hubby had gone to below zero, our communication skills are high, our trust is just growing deeper each day, our openness is like a refreshing breeze and we laugh. As to the physical attraction I was watching him in my kitchen yesterday, making chips, concentrating, talking to him and I am smitten.

What’s good is that I will say it to him. We compliment each other, we build each other up. We tease each other with silly talk and we hate being apart from each other.

My kids have been a bit slow to come to the party but they are slowly coming around to the fact he’s around and will continue to be around as we find a balance of seeing each other that works for us all. We went through a particularly bumpy patch but we are getting through it, stronger.

Most importantly I am happy. Happier than I’ve been in years and I love it, am addicted to it, am hungry for it…

Pip