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Feeling all kinds of fucked up

5 July, 2016

This last week has been tumultuous. Between “coincidental” meetings with my ex, seeing him again the following day, being emailed multiple times by him and phone calls, I’m on edge again.

My partner was going to have him charged – turns out we can’t do it without getting himself into trouble. I knew it was a possibility but to have this futile effort seems to be wearing.

Not only are we dealing with it from my side, my partner is having issues with his ex too. Recently she took one of the girls home sick from school in his uniforms and when we asked for them back and the girls back into his care she refused.

She of course made promises to police but again they were wrapped around untruths.

When he went to drop the kids off to her yesterday she wasn’t home, but her boyfriend was. Not wanting to leave the kids in his care Dad has waited until changeover time passed and then left.

She was aware of this and when she tried to say he was denying access he’s asked for the uniforms to be dropped off when she comes to collect the girls. Nothing. Silence. And she wouldn’t even respond to her daughter calling her.

So we are an unsettled home. Not knowing what the retaliation will be. The girls on the other hand are stress free and were laughing hysterically this morning during their bathtime. It was wonderful to hear.

When I asked the eldest if they were to be dropped off in an attempt to get them to her mother she said there was no point.

In some ways I miss my partner and I having one on one time. I stupidly found myself jealous (for the first time) of his eldest coming up for cuddles and just loitering around when I wanted some time in the evening without the girls.

And he’s been distracted by it all and preoccupied – as you do…

I’ll be glad when things get back to normal and we slot into our routine again. I love having the girls around. It almost feels like I’m able to pour all my misguided love into them and they are soaking it up.

In some ways I’m even somewhat afraid to get closer to them and have to reconcile that in my head as my own kids reject me.

My 16 year old daughter – had a birthday a month ago and is currently on a mission trip in Vietnam. She wouldn’t say goodbye to me before she left.

And the conversation with my ex – he was again acting like a victim. He’s refusing to do a Parenting Separately Course to allow us parent our kids and continues, in my mind, to poison them with his oh, so subtle jibes about me that he will deny.

It’s just one of those couple of days. I’m tired and mentally strained.

Pulling through…


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