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Open reply to the “ex”

7 June, 2016

Hi P

Sorry for emailing, but I just wanted you to know I still miss you terribly. I wish there was some way the clock could be turned back and we could have you home with your family.

J

*names edited

I don’t “miss you”. In fact the reason I am even seeing this email is due to you being sneaky and using yet another email address to bypass my blocked email addresses against you.

How I wish I had a restraint order against you so you could be dragged before the court – held in custody even, while you face charges for breaching a restraint order. But instead you get away with the insipid contact proving to me that you are neither moving on yourself, nor allowing me to parent my children as their mother.

You see my kids believe the stories you are spinning them about me. They are sucking the venom you are spewing and believing the words, to a point of even making them their own.

I’ve read a number of articles on narcissists now and how breaking free of one is so difficult. I’ve read articles on Parental Alienation and see the damage you are causing to my kids who I stood to protect for so many years.

I acknowledge that there are some aspects of the narcissist that you do not match but you match so many others. You have learned from your parents and you have fallen into a niche where you are acting by default now.

You have not grown over the years into a better person. You have not allowed life to smooth the rough edges – in fact if anything you have become more abrasive. Your mental health is questionable to me.

Understand me in this – I don’t seek to tear you down by questioning your mental health though, unlike you doing the same to me. I have seen you say so many conflicting things through this process. Words of hate, words of love, words of disbelief, words that contradict and words that destroy.

A counsellor seems to think your reaction is “normal” but again I will say, “normal does not mean permissible”. I believe you have spun lies to those around you about me and I have chosen in most cases not to react.

You have had the balls to tell our daughter to move out and live with me one moment, move out with friends and then live with you in the UK for 18 months. You are playing with her emotions and emotional security. While you profess to protect your children you are tearing them apart and they can’t/won’t see it for years.

You continue to try and undermine my current relationship with a man who loves me and I have grown, and continue, to love daily deeper and deeper. He makes me think, feel, understand more about myself than I have before and I am constantly blown away by being so physically attracted to a man again.

I found myself looking at you over the years and wondering what attracted me about you and I was empty. I felt like something was wrong with me for feeling no physical affection for you but this man, I look at him with adoring wonder, joy, and love as I learn more about him and grow with him.

You used to say how much you were looking forward to us growing old together. You used to look at me wondering what the hell was going on in my head when I had crazy thoughts and became passionate about something but now I see that you were terrified that I would find a life beyond you. You would feign encouragement but you would then sound your disapproval of the people I mixed with.

You were happiest when I joined you on your interests but you would never want to do something I chose to do. Anything that I asked was fought against, oh so subtly at first and then not so subtly. So I learned to acquiesce, to give in and eventually to either do my own thing alone or not do it – and with that my passion and my heart began to die.

I followed you to the other side of the world to give you a chance at a new start. I left my family – who cared about me and I never appreciated them, or their care. You were already estranged from your parents.

From the other side of the world I then followed you to the other side of the continent and back again. We thought we were blessed when we bought our old house back again – sure I missed it but you, you were forever stuck in the past.

I anchored the kids and schooled them while you worked during the day and then continued working in the evenings. We went through multiple sessions of marriage counselling and time and again you fell back into your old patterns of neglect of us all. You claimed you did it for the money because I was overspending but if it wasn’t there and I had you I would not have needed to fill that void in my life.

Time came for me to get a job and yes, it is an all-consuming job when I’m in it and we failed to learn how to navigate my down time, to my detriment and lack of understanding. Dealing with 24 hour rotational shifts, crying children, continuing to manage a household of 6 eventually broke me down. Our relationship foundered and I could no longer carry it all.

We stopped being a team who pulled together many many years ago. You were more interested in work binges than what was important to me and while they gave light to “funny” stories they hurt immeasurably at you unsupporting me in my own endeavours.

The erosion began so many years ago when our boys were young and I was fighting against child care costs and barely making enough money some weeks to cover the costs of having another woman care for our boys.

You lost me. You threw me away. I continued to fight for you, for us but to no avail – until MY very essence drowned under the burden.

So now, I am free. I am free of you and your control (which I’m sure you would say you never exerted). But that is how you see yourself – as the victim. And I can’t win against that, nor will I try.

I am free. And I choose to give myself and grow myself with someone else.

And I will choose to turn my children when they do finally come around (as all my friends tell me they will) and get them to face you with all your frailties and tell them that in your own misguided way you did love them.

Pip

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