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Finding a scam

8 December, 2015

So I did some digging – should have done so in the beginning I guess…

Found this site;cat=1473 with ALL the photos I’ve found on this guy.

Like other women I fell for his good looks… Damnit

The talk my scammer used it different so God knows how many are really out there using this poor guy’s pictures. Funny but all I can find are scammer’s info – no legitimate info. Must be losing my skills…

Ah well, once bitten…

Funnily enough the scammer is still in touch and denying scamming or coming clean with a real name – certainly dedicated to their task


Falling in love

6 December, 2015

It happened. I separated from my husband of 22 years and he moved overseas.

We still have to settle finances and property but I’m happier without him so it will happen.

But I was lonely and curious. Would another man be interested in me. Was I worth loving. Wholly?

So I went onto Tinder (cos my son met his lovely partner there). I changed my profile to be very clear I wanted a man who put God first.

I “liked”. He “liked”. I was caught. I was captivated. The questions came and as I answered them I fell in love, not just with this stranger but with me.

This stranger made me explore me, my likes, my dislikes, my passions, my desires. And somewhere in all that I started to love me and felt sexy. I actually had a libido that I thought was long dead.

Turns out the pictures of this handsome army dude that I swooned over wasn’t the person I was talking to though.

But there was a person behind the messages. We did have a connection. They took an interest in me but also in my kids. They knew the names, they were attentive and they were romantic.

Maybe “West” is out there but I don’t imagine I will ever meet him. That would be a miracle that I don’t think God would do for me in this life.

But after the checking was done and suspicions raised I found that the photos were used in dating scams.

However even with the realisation that the photo and the author didn’t match up I have still prayed. I have prayed for “West” and his life. I have prayed for the author. For their life.

They portrayed a knowledge of faith. I’m not sure how well that can be faked. Maybe I’m just naive.

I still hope for love. I know I deserve a whole man loving me. I hope and pray I will find my forever love.

I think I’m hurting more from the stupid broken trust from this short relationship than I am about my 22 year marriage. But deep down I am so bitterly lonely and broken.

I know I am capable of so much more than what I had in my marriage. I failed my husband so much in that.

I don’t know where this journey will take me. I want to be up for the task and know I am. I will find my healing and I will find my love


Sent from my iPhone


3 November, 2015

Feeling so desperately lonely at the moment. I just need a hug.

It’s not like I haven’t been lonely in the marriage but now hubby is around the other side of the world.

It’s really only been 6 days in reality, he’s been away with work for this long before so it’s definitely too early to tell how we’re all doing. We are checking in with each other though.

Daughter’s back is getting worse and she battles on with a far too heavy schoolbag and that gets her down to the point of tears. It just seems that pain meds just aren’t enough to get her through and I don’t know what else to do for her.

Then there are the invisible reassurances that I get from God…

I left work early yesterday afternoon after I got a bit teary. I purchased a car which I’d arranged and been given approval for and then collected daughter and went home.

I then bundled up against our blustery showery day, grabbed the dumb blonde and headed off to a deserted beach for some time. Not a soul to be seen and yet I still felt as if I had company and comfort.

Willow Tree figurines have a statue in my mind of how I feel I’m being held – Together is the name of it. Just held supportively… I can dream…

In my low mood I’ve made the mistake of checking hubby’s Facebook page and his good time sends hurts through me.

Feeling as low as I do I don’t want to eat even though I have food here with me. I’m having for force myself to eat anything and the joy I once had in food seems to be a distant past.

I feel close to tears with no warning. Sad. Unbelievably sad and not knowing what the future holds. Is there someone else out there for me? Am I stupid to even hope that?! Is hubby going to have a complete change of heart and come back a different man? Will all we ever be in the future is friends?

I downloaded Tinder on my phone and checked out the local talent, liked a few, discarded more. I have narrowed any hope I have though by saying “If God isn’t your number 1 then please swipe by”. Because honestly while it would be nice to be flirted with, what is the point in vague flattery when morals are so far apart.

I haven’t had God as the centre in my marriage up to now and have hated the gulf it puts between us having someone who doesn’t prioritise God in their life. I feel if hubby had God as a priority then things would have been different between us.

So I’ve set an impossibly high standard for any man. How does one even come close to Jesus? That’s who I really want…

Friends have checked in with me because they have gone through a separation themselves or just care. I feel weird but loved in it. My sister sent me a message on What’s App. When I think of the distance between Ireland and Tasmania it makes the pain that little bit sharper…



20 October, 2015

This is more for my benefit to log rather than getting a solution but maybe something will be learned from this…

Yesterday things were “civil” between us – I’m going to learn to hate this term if hubby keeps stating the obvious and getting my back up. Hubby said “Can we talk, while we’re being civil, about money on the weekend?” “Sure”, I said and was promptly bombarded by figures while I sipped on my coffee and this then continued despite the fact that I said we, and more importantly, I, would go through the finances on the weekend so I would know where the money was needed from.

Time passed and hubby continued to play with online banking while I did our daughter a favour by doing the washing up as she was due to do it but had a headache, back ache and every ache. We later ended up going for a walk in which we just walked the beach, talking about all sorts and waited for her brother to finish work.

The evening passed without too much hitch with our boy sitting on me in my chair – my 16 year old – just wanting snuggles with his mum – Aww.

This morning rolled around as a typical Tuesday. “Must I get up?” I was thinking as alarms seemed to be later than usual. Daughter bails on school due to her pain again – knew that’d be coming. Coffee made then back to bed to have it.

Hubby comes in again – no boundaries, he continues to use and criticise our en suite. Then he proceeds to demand what is happening tomorrow with our son’s “leavers dinner”, which celebrates his end of year 10 from his school.

Son had been complaining about which car would drop him off to the dinner – he didn’t want the big old 4WD, he wanted the shiny SUV. Either way we had discussed this together as hubby was away.

Hubby begins demanding I tell him what our plans were. I tell him not to talk to me that way and when he continues I tell him to leave. This then causes him to go to our son and he berates me to him saying how unhelpful I’ve been.

So I’m able to view last night and today somewhat objectively – I can see his controlling behaviour with the finances – something he’s not strong with and I need the right head space to number crunch. I can see how he suggests something – a time to talk but then ignores that and goes ahead talking about it anyway, despite the timing being unsuitable as I’m not ready.

Again, this morning, I tell him not to talk to me in a certain way and he continues to talk AT me and then when he’s shut down completely for his tone he goes and tells our son.

So how do I make boundaries without feeling like I’m the one who’s wrong for having boundaries? My plan is to re-read “Boundaries” and see where I can go while there.

When I went to our marriage counsellor last week he raised boundaries with me and I honestly had not thought I would need boundaries with hubby being in the UK and me in Australia – I stupidly thought the geographical distance would mean he could say or do anything (Facebook, SMS and phone) and it wouldn’t impact work instead. So that gave me something to think about.

So … Boundaries … I hope I can do it.


Beginning to hurt

13 October, 2015

With the separation looming closer and the gap between us widening – he would blame me for that – the hurt in me is growing and I’ve found myself getting upset in the evening and feeling lonely – even though he’s still here.

I tried to make contact with our eldest to catch up with him and not take offence if he was busy – as is quite normal for him – and he’s stood me up for a possible catch up tonight. I still don’t know if he’s pissed with me or just busy – I’d like to think he’s just busy but the negative thoughts creep in regardless.

I’ve arranged time off work to do a weekend away with him and have been acutely aware that he is on his best behaviour – conscious or otherwise – and doing everything now that I ever asked him to do in our history – washing up, he lit the fire as it was cool last night, checking that I was ok – being attentive.

Why is he doing it so late in the game?! There is an element of anger in me because of it.

Yesterday I was searching “how to separate well” on Dr Google and came across a great article that could have been right out of my life. It’s here

I’m in work this morning and just feel this heavy cloud over my head and want to begin to grieve but feel like I can’t – dumb I know.

When I got home from work yesterday on an overcast evening I took our dumb blonde for a walk. We went looking for a geocache near our home. He tore off when I took his collar off and a short while later discovered an animal before he came bounding back to me with an adult echidna hanging firmly out of his mouth. Also on the beach was a dead ray – fairly recently by the look of it.

When I returned home I wanted to share my stories but felt as if no one would care – or at least hubby wouldn’t care so I kept quite – yes, we’re at that point in our relationship – negative sentiment override.

So I didn’t share my stories, I clammed up and buttoned down the excitement I felt at finding a couple of caches, but more importantly I squashed that I found a ray, flipped it over, smelled it, found a cache, had the dog run off and return with an echidna, discovered a maze up on top of a hill with 360 degree views near our home. It was beautiful, but I had no one but God to share it with…

Caching itself is not the important thing to me – it’s the discovering things, going new places, exploring, walking, time…

I am so lonely…


I’m so confused

9 October, 2015

So I’m trying to blog it out…

Weekend before last weekend after a lot of soul searching, praying, resting in God I made the announcement to hubby that we needed him to leave, them at “I needed him to leave”. I said he was killing me to which he said I was killing him. Job done.

Two weeks ago he’d gotten influenza A and I took time off work supposedly to look after him but ended up with a mild dose of flu myself, despite vaccinations, and spent most of his sick time sleeping. A week off work resulted in work reprimands.

So hubby has been in a separate room from me and has stayed there despite the bed being “bad for his back” and me telling him to move out. He’s asked to come back to our bed to which I’ve questioned and said no.

He’s asked for a truce between us. I can do that. I’m just not sure his truce and my truce are the same thing. I’ve had a weeks leave off work and he’s been coming up to say goodbye and give me a kiss on the cheek while I’m still asleep while critiquing my sleeping companion that I’m wrapped around, one of our adolescent cats.

He’s asked me to join him on a weekend away at the end of this month. Two nights on a boat and a day spent in Melbourne between. My daughter thinks I should do it. I am struggling with the idea in case it gives hubby false hope.

The separation, how does that look? He’s going to the UK for 4 months, taking a leave of absence from his job here and on his return he decides if he stays with the company freelancing or goes back to his day job.

He couldn’t be further from us. And honestly I’m not sure I want him near us, near me. I don’t want his daily phone calls, his attempts at small talk. I sit and wait for the next explosion instead. I don’t want to go into work having had stony silence or harsh words in the car on the way in.

He says he will take his meds from now on. That will even out his mood. He says he’s willing to do the mindfulness meditation while he’s gone. I know that will help.

What am I doing when he’s gone? Trying to reclaim my life I guess. Bring some order to our home where I’ve abandoned it. Share equally the burden with the remaining two kids.

I’m just not sure how I get through the next three weeks.


Weight of the world on my shoulders

28 September, 2015

… And my house of cards is falling down around me.

This weekend I asked my husband of 22 years to move out. There has been a gradual distancing off since 2011 when I was diagnosed with major depression and numerous threats by him to leave.

Last week both he, and I, got the flu which moved him into another bedroom. I don’t want him back in our bed.

When he goes away for work it’s a relief. I feel as if I’m constantly on alert when he’s around and frankly, I’m exhausted.

My work is giving me grief about taking time off work sick too and I’m losing all credibility there as a bitchy environment is bred.

I want my buzz back, my happy back, but I just feel like an inch away from breaking down instead. I’ve made an appointment to see my psychologist. I still pause and do a minor body scan and focus on here and now with my meditation but not a sustained 30 minutes.

I’ve told some friends and they’ve been supportive, of both of us, I hate that it’s come to this but I can’t survive any longer like this.

Having a change of scenery at work this week and then a week off. Just need to get through the next 7 days.