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3 November, 2015

Feeling so desperately lonely at the moment. I just need a hug.

It’s not like I haven’t been lonely in the marriage but now hubby is around the other side of the world.

It’s really only been 6 days in reality, he’s been away with work for this long before so it’s definitely too early to tell how we’re all doing. We are checking in with each other though.

Daughter’s back is getting worse and she battles on with a far too heavy schoolbag and that gets her down to the point of tears. It just seems that pain meds just aren’t enough to get her through and I don’t know what else to do for her.

Then there are the invisible reassurances that I get from God…

I left work early yesterday afternoon after I got a bit teary. I purchased a car which I’d arranged and been given approval for and then collected daughter and went home.

I then bundled up against our blustery showery day, grabbed the dumb blonde and headed off to a deserted beach for some time. Not a soul to be seen and yet I still felt as if I had company and comfort.

Willow Tree figurines have a statue in my mind of how I feel I’m being held – Together is the name of it. Just held supportively… I can dream…

In my low mood I’ve made the mistake of checking hubby’s Facebook page and his good time sends hurts through me.

Feeling as low as I do I don’t want to eat even though I have food here with me. I’m having for force myself to eat anything and the joy I once had in food seems to be a distant past.

I feel close to tears with no warning. Sad. Unbelievably sad and not knowing what the future holds. Is there someone else out there for me? Am I stupid to even hope that?! Is hubby going to have a complete change of heart and come back a different man? Will all we ever be in the future is friends?

I downloaded Tinder on my phone and checked out the local talent, liked a few, discarded more. I have narrowed any hope I have though by saying “If God isn’t your number 1 then please swipe by”. Because honestly while it would be nice to be flirted with, what is the point in vague flattery when morals are so far apart.

I haven’t had God as the centre in my marriage up to now and have hated the gulf it puts between us having someone who doesn’t prioritise God in their life. I feel if hubby had God as a priority then things would have been different between us.

So I’ve set an impossibly high standard for any man. How does one even come close to Jesus? That’s who I really want…

Friends have checked in with me because they have gone through a separation themselves or just care. I feel weird but loved in it. My sister sent me a message on What’s App. When I think of the distance between Ireland and Tasmania it makes the pain that little bit sharper…


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