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Boundaries

20 October, 2015

This is more for my benefit to log rather than getting a solution but maybe something will be learned from this…

Yesterday things were “civil” between us – I’m going to learn to hate this term if hubby keeps stating the obvious and getting my back up. Hubby said “Can we talk, while we’re being civil, about money on the weekend?” “Sure”, I said and was promptly bombarded by figures while I sipped on my coffee and this then continued despite the fact that I said we, and more importantly, I, would go through the finances on the weekend so I would know where the money was needed from.

Time passed and hubby continued to play with online banking while I did our daughter a favour by doing the washing up as she was due to do it but had a headache, back ache and every ache. We later ended up going for a walk in which we just walked the beach, talking about all sorts and waited for her brother to finish work.

The evening passed without too much hitch with our boy sitting on me in my chair – my 16 year old – just wanting snuggles with his mum – Aww.

This morning rolled around as a typical Tuesday. “Must I get up?” I was thinking as alarms seemed to be later than usual. Daughter bails on school due to her pain again – knew that’d be coming. Coffee made then back to bed to have it.

Hubby comes in again – no boundaries, he continues to use and criticise our en suite. Then he proceeds to demand what is happening tomorrow with our son’s “leavers dinner”, which celebrates his end of year 10 from his school.

Son had been complaining about which car would drop him off to the dinner – he didn’t want the big old 4WD, he wanted the shiny SUV. Either way we had discussed this together as hubby was away.

Hubby begins demanding I tell him what our plans were. I tell him not to talk to me that way and when he continues I tell him to leave. This then causes him to go to our son and he berates me to him saying how unhelpful I’ve been.

So I’m able to view last night and today somewhat objectively – I can see his controlling behaviour with the finances – something he’s not strong with and I need the right head space to number crunch. I can see how he suggests something – a time to talk but then ignores that and goes ahead talking about it anyway, despite the timing being unsuitable as I’m not ready.

Again, this morning, I tell him not to talk to me in a certain way and he continues to talk AT me and then when he’s shut down completely for his tone he goes and tells our son.

So how do I make boundaries without feeling like I’m the one who’s wrong for having boundaries? My plan is to re-read “Boundaries” http://www.amazon.com.au/Boundaries-When-Say-Yes-How-ebook/dp/B000FC2K9W/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1445292028&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries and see where I can go while there.

When I went to our marriage counsellor last week he raised boundaries with me and I honestly had not thought I would need boundaries with hubby being in the UK and me in Australia – I stupidly thought the geographical distance would mean he could say or do anything (Facebook, SMS and phone) and it wouldn’t impact work instead. So that gave me something to think about.

So … Boundaries … I hope I can do it.

Pip

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