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Beginning to hurt

13 October, 2015

With the separation looming closer and the gap between us widening – he would blame me for that – the hurt in me is growing and I’ve found myself getting upset in the evening and feeling lonely – even though he’s still here.

I tried to make contact with our eldest to catch up with him and not take offence if he was busy – as is quite normal for him – and he’s stood me up for a possible catch up tonight. I still don’t know if he’s pissed with me or just busy – I’d like to think he’s just busy but the negative thoughts creep in regardless.

I’ve arranged time off work to do a weekend away with him and have been acutely aware that he is on his best behaviour – conscious or otherwise – and doing everything now that I ever asked him to do in our history – washing up, he lit the fire as it was cool last night, checking that I was ok – being attentive.

Why is he doing it so late in the game?! There is an element of anger in me because of it.

Yesterday I was searching “how to separate well” on Dr Google and came across a great article that could have been right out of my life. It’s here http://rickthomas.net/how-to-separate-well-from-your-spouse/

I’m in work this morning and just feel this heavy cloud over my head and want to begin to grieve but feel like I can’t – dumb I know.

When I got home from work yesterday on an overcast evening I took our dumb blonde for a walk. We went looking for a geocache near our home. He tore off when I took his collar off and a short while later discovered an animal before he came bounding back to me with an adult echidna hanging firmly out of his mouth. Also on the beach was a dead ray – fairly recently by the look of it.

When I returned home I wanted to share my stories but felt as if no one would care – or at least hubby wouldn’t care so I kept quite – yes, we’re at that point in our relationship – negative sentiment override.

So I didn’t share my stories, I clammed up and buttoned down the excitement I felt at finding a couple of caches, but more importantly I squashed that I found a ray, flipped it over, smelled it, found a cache, had the dog run off and return with an echidna, discovered a maze up on top of a hill with 360 degree views near our home. It was beautiful, but I had no one but God to share it with…

Caching itself is not the important thing to me – it’s the discovering things, going new places, exploring, walking, time…

I am so lonely…

Pip

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