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Beginning to hurt

13 October, 2015

With the separation looming closer and the gap between us widening – he would blame me for that – the hurt in me is growing and I’ve found myself getting upset in the evening and feeling lonely – even though he’s still here.

I tried to make contact with our eldest to catch up with him and not take offence if he was busy – as is quite normal for him – and he’s stood me up for a possible catch up tonight. I still don’t know if he’s pissed with me or just busy – I’d like to think he’s just busy but the negative thoughts creep in regardless.

I’ve arranged time off work to do a weekend away with him and have been acutely aware that he is on his best behaviour – conscious or otherwise – and doing everything now that I ever asked him to do in our history – washing up, he lit the fire as it was cool last night, checking that I was ok – being attentive.

Why is he doing it so late in the game?! There is an element of anger in me because of it.

Yesterday I was searching “how to separate well” on Dr Google and came across a great article that could have been right out of my life. It’s here

I’m in work this morning and just feel this heavy cloud over my head and want to begin to grieve but feel like I can’t – dumb I know.

When I got home from work yesterday on an overcast evening I took our dumb blonde for a walk. We went looking for a geocache near our home. He tore off when I took his collar off and a short while later discovered an animal before he came bounding back to me with an adult echidna hanging firmly out of his mouth. Also on the beach was a dead ray – fairly recently by the look of it.

When I returned home I wanted to share my stories but felt as if no one would care – or at least hubby wouldn’t care so I kept quite – yes, we’re at that point in our relationship – negative sentiment override.

So I didn’t share my stories, I clammed up and buttoned down the excitement I felt at finding a couple of caches, but more importantly I squashed that I found a ray, flipped it over, smelled it, found a cache, had the dog run off and return with an echidna, discovered a maze up on top of a hill with 360 degree views near our home. It was beautiful, but I had no one but God to share it with…

Caching itself is not the important thing to me – it’s the discovering things, going new places, exploring, walking, time…

I am so lonely…


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