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Passive aggressive

28 April, 2015

Am I passive aggressive or is he?  Something was said in my mindfulness appointment about how hubby reacted to something and it got me thinking – a dangerous thing to do!

As I looked at passive aggressive behaviour though it seemed to shine a light more squarely on me than on hubby – much to my disappointment that I could really be that insensitive.

However I have I had to think, when did I become like this? Is it something I indeed learned as a child to survive my own traumatic childhood? Is this self-protection something I have developed or something that has only come about more recently in retaliation to hubby’s behaviour?

You see while there are some traits that are familiar there are more times when I’ve been assertive and taken charge.  In fact I seem to think that if anything I would not be called passive in anything by people known to me.

I know at one point a number of years ago I changed how I behaved to how hubby behaved.  Because this is just not me, perhaps that’s why I have such issue with who I’ve now become.

When I finally made a decision to do my current job it was a very assertive move – hubby was told that I would change (not for the better, in this person’s opinion).  What I then saw happen was me no longer “needing” hubby but he suddenly became very needy.

At one point he and the kids joined me for an evening meal and my 7 and 8 year olds wanted some “Mum contact” and were very touchy and crowding my space.  Now I had missed the kids too and didn’t mind this contact but hubby became a 5th child for me and then ended up throwing a tantrum and taking the kids back home because the evening was disorganised.

This continued as I lived away for 8 months and the family came for dinner once a week.  I made a conscious effort that my weekends were family time and so left any study to the midweek nights.  Eventually by the end of the training period I was dreading weekends, we were fighting all the time and I was leaving earlier and earlier on a Sunday to resume study.

Follow this period of intense training by on the job training in a testing environment with 24 hour rotational shiftwork and there was just no let up.  But is it me or is it him?

Don’t get me wrong – I’d love it to be him because then I don’t have to do the hard yards myself! I’ve wondered if he’s a narcissist.  When I was less informed with labels I used to say he was like an alcoholic without the alcohol due to his mood swings and erratic temperament.  When he went onto Prozac initially there was a change in his behaviour, he was calmer, he listened, he gave feedback and he verbalised where he was coming from.  Then the temperament returned to normal and he ended up changing meds, getting serotonin syndrome, changing meds, hating meds, reacting to side effects and took himself off the meds.

Now he will take himself off into his computer if he’s not working on his laptop in the lounge, he’s intolerant of any noise other than the tv, even if he’s only half watching (or not at all), he is intolerant of our daughter opening her opinionated 14 year old mouth.  We barely talk, sentences are short – he blames me for having “fuck off” tattooed on my forehead and I’m in fight or flight mode with him not knowing whether I need to defend myself emotionally.

If mindfulness – sitting, breathing, feeling, observing the body while not entertaining stray thoughts (harder than you think) – is what’s bringing this all up then fine, I’ll ride it out.  I have found that there is less chat in my Mindfulness sessions than any other psychologist would do and I don’t know if that’s normal or my own guardedness – am I more of a self-therapeutic person?

My head is not in today – I have not a lot of constructive stuff to keep me busy so my mind is drifting, I’m reading up on passive aggressive.  I did a “self test” and nothing flagged up for me at all – confusing me slightly so I’ve resorted to blogging, chatting over my desk with a colleague, ducking out for a coffee and making an appointment to see my on-site psychologist.

I seem to do much better with construction rather than passivity.  I wondered with my colleague that if I fell apart due to coming to a big gap in my Mindfulness appointments, even with a structure for the gap, that I felt a bit adrift.  Is the falling apart some kind of self-sabotaging thing I seem to do?

Even the suicidal thoughts have come back – the more disconnected I feel with hubby the more I seem to want to hurt myself to feel – like eating gluten – 5 minutes of mouth pleasure for 2-3 days of gut reactions. But to the point yesterday when I was walking to the roadside and a coach was passing by me at a fair clip and the mind went “step in front of it” – 60kph solid bus front v puny fragile human, wrist vs V slicer, a packet of Largactil…

I hate where my head goes…

Further reading and I found this article

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