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Mindfulness and a full mind

9 April, 2015

So I’ve had two sessions with Bruno Cayoun.  The first to say I’ve got problems and run through my history.  The second, last week, to make a contract (gulp) to do this thing.  Apparently I could have run away after the first session and I didn’t so that’s good.

So what does this Mindfulness training entail – well I knew a snippet of what was in store but Oh My! It is a bit more involved than I thought.  My initial gulp and reluctance was to do with the fact I would need to find 30 minutes twice a day – for me – to do something rather than just aimlessly facebooking with a morning coffee!

I downloaded the sessions to listen to, eventually got through them and the book reading and did the Progressive Muscle Relaxation session for the prescribed 18 minutes.  The first time I followed the instructions thinking “you what?!” but slowly settled into the melodic French accent and eventually made it through the week without missing a time slot.

Granted it was the Easter break and that may have made it a bit easier with less time constraints in the morning but even when I was working on Saturday and Sunday I managed to make the time before work and again in the evening when there was nothing I wanted to watch on tv on anyway.

Yesterday was a bit of a mash up with me about to take 15 minutes out of my afternoon when I was contacted about missing a catch up with a friend I was buying a craft item from.  Time was better spent with her during our brief catch up but eventually returning home around 9, with Forever on tv, it was a bit more of a stretch to go and do my time. I did it though.

I had asked hubby to join me over the weekend doing some of the relaxation and he obliged the first time.  He looked at me weirdly as we went through the instructions and I tried to ignore him (helpful with your eyes closed) and understood that it is weird when you listen the first time.

I have asked him since then if he will join me and he’s declined.  This morning I asked him if there was any point in me asking him again and he said, “No”. Pretty firm there. I won’t ask again.

I had hoped he might do it with me and get some benefit – he’s bad at relaxing and it may have been a good instructional way for him to have learnt how to do it.  Around day 5, and his repeated “no’s”, I began to get the negative thinking again – “Why should I bother?” “If he can’t take the time out, why should I?” “If he thinks it’s not worth it then am I not worth it?”

That was tough and no, I haven’t resolved this.  Maybe my love language is time after all and if he pulls away from the time thing it hurts so deep and I just want to retaliate (like go out and spend money on rubbish I really don’t need).

I had asked him in the past about doing the bible study with me, to help me stay accountable and as something neutral to do together.  Even that has become a stumbling block for me and I haven’t done it in the last couple of weeks.  I have guilt and not the inclination to stop checking Facebook on my phone for 30-45 minutes that a study would take – how messed up is that?!

Another session with Bruno coming up this afternoon.  I feel as if I’m walking in the dark or a fog and can’t see the path ahead of me – not necessarily a bad thing but seeing the view would be nice.  I hate this about me – the negative spiral, the reluctance for self care – I’m worth more than that!

Last night I was killing some time waiting for the youngest boy to finish work and sat in on an Alpha class.  The question being batted around was “Would you die for someone?”  I had to think for a moment – “Would I die for someone?” or “Who would I die for?”

I had to pause – would I die for my kids, husband, country, God?  Would I?

If I could make a choice, them or me, could I? Would I?

I am in many ways a realist and believe that that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  If it came down to giving my kids more time though and me missing out – would I do that?

I’m not afraid of dying – it’d be better than living in this crazy hateful world sometimes and my motto is “Bring on heaven!” I can’t wait for that.  But the process of dying? Maybe that’s something I’m a bit more wary of.

If by me dying today I were to give another more time would I do that?  Would I become judgemental about how they used that time? It certainly wouldn’t be my place to.

One of those slightly meatier questions that Alpha stirs up.  Hubby has said in the past that he’d die for me – I replied that I wouldn’t want him to.  Maybe that’s the answer – again, am I worth it? What reward would I or they get for dying for me?

Jesus died and truly horrific and torturous death – supposedly for me (and you). He seems to think I’m worth it – or did He just do it for “you” and not for “me”?

Dark and broody thoughts…


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