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Losing my mind

31 March, 2015

So in this last week I’ve felt like I’m completely losing touch of reality.  Last week I had my first session with Bruno Cayoun a local therapist who teaches worldwide.  He gave me the impression that we wouldn’t just be fixing the symptoms but getting to the root cause of the issue.

Hubby has been reacting to me, who’s reacting to him, who’s reacting to me.

So here is what I know for fact. I know he’s been giving me the silent treatment and backing off from me for a safer life.  He thinks it best to leave me be a bitch in my own space.

When we went for a walk with a colleague of his last week apparently I gave single syllable answers and when he took out his phone I let rip at him.  This is where I believe things went downhill from.

Our eldest got engaged on Thursday and I found hubby leaning against the car on his phone waiting to leave when we were packing up the car.  He was “shotgunned” by the youngest boy who sat in the front of the car and then I saw in the rearview mirror that he was in his phone.  Conversation dead.

On Saturday night I asked hubby if he was coming to church the next morning and he said probably not, “I’m tired” was the excuse.  I took the camera and failed to realise that the batteries weren’t in it.

When I discovered the camera was dead I was angry at myself, disappointed that I couldn’t use it as a crutch to hide behind.  Hubby’s response saying the batteries were charging was light and normal.

When I got home from church on Sunday though I lost it again.  Hubby had done wood – he’d been on Facebook seeking approval I wouldn’t have given him, he’d done the washing up but he’d taken the veggies out of their delivery box and just left them on the counter.  I was frustrated that he couldn’t put them away since Friday.  I shoved them rudely aside and apparently made a show of myself in front of the middlest’s girlfriend.

Sunday evening I made a bad dinner which was duly ate by all and it was the end of the weekend.  Hubby occasionally pointed the new camera in my face taking pics – again maybe being normal. I had apologised for my outburst with the veggies shortly after the incident.

Monday morning I made a special effort to be up on time to avoid our usual bickering about making hubby late for work.  I was on time but our youngest boy slept in.  Again there was the berating for making hubby late.  It wasn’t my fault this morning but I was made to feel it was all down to me and took it to heart.

My depression took me down a hole that I struggled to get up out of at work yesterday.  I took 50mg Largactil to counteract my suicidality and tried to get on with my work.  Tears came a bit more easily and there were times in the car I was fighting them unsuccessfully.

My bible study has gone out the window.  I want to cancel my Facebook account. I want to stop taking my photoaday. I want to say to hell with taking my daily pic of the sunset.

I got home yesterday and sat out in the sun with two kittens and a latte.  The kittens didn’t like the sensation of glass under their tender paws and the height of the table caused them concern.  They snuggled into me and fell asleep.

Thoughts as I got home after work and put something into the shed had been “cut my wrists”, take my tablets, plan when to take them, do it when the kids were at school.

Biblically speaking I would wonder if this was spiritual attack – Is there indeed a demon (or more) causing this torrent of suicidal abuse or is my mental health just screwed?  Why is it that when I get a glimpse of freedom I get sucked back in.

It’s how all the movies show drowning – you are on the surface gasping for air, you drop below the surface and fight again and again to get another breath. That’s how I feel and you know what, I would welcome death – the end to the pain


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