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Feeling like a disappointment

27 March, 2015

I don’t know if it’s where I’m at or where hubby is at but I feel this constant pressure of disappointment hanging over me that I just can’t seem to shake.

We’ve had a massive couple of days.  Work has been 9-5 as normal and then I was late home Wednesday and Thursday nights with some really worthwhile things – more info to come…

So plans on Tuesday took a bit of a change with my headspace when our usually home-body dog wandered into a nearby property and ended up staying there the day – he was spotted by a friend on a local Facebook page and when I went to collect him was met by a harassed mother of three young boys with toys strewn around the lounge room and I was very much reminded of the early days with my boys.  Oh, they were crazy busy days!  I noticed how mum seemed to crave some adult interaction too – yep, been there!

Tuesday is also shopping day and then home to get dinner – which hubby turned his nose up at – snapper and salad – apparently it was too bland.  So my head goes to those stressful places when it comes to spending money – I do it way too easily but it still causes pressure on my mental state and I felt this was ungrateful in my effort to do something different and tasty – which it was.

Wednesday I had first aid refresher training and I sat in the group of 8 struggling initially to stay awake but finally made it through the day and finished it off with a walk with hubby and his colleague.  As we walked and chatted hubby’s phone blurted out that he’d received an email – he went to check it and when I chastised him that he was on a break and not to be rude he glared at me and I felt like I was the one who was being rude or had two heads for even suggesting he ignored the message when on a break when he had previously been complaining about not finding a minute to take a break until after 2pm.

Wednesday night then was spent with a late evening finishing work and leftover salad before a meeting and training night.  Hubby and the teens were to be home getting a bedroom ready for our middlest who was coming home from uni for a short stay.  I got in at 9.45pm to a mountain of washing up still to be done and hubby sitting on the couch.  The kids had disappeared as they seem to do lately – possibly also in fear of being given more jobs.

I got stuck into the washing up and again tried not to feel this resentment brewing towards hubby who I presumed had been doing his own chores in the evening and he’d been working all day too.  It was hard though and when I filled the drainer to capacity I took a coffee and my book off to bed rather than sit on the couch half watching Forever which I enjoyed doing. I knew if I sat down I’d be up for a further hour winding down – I might as well do that in bed without the distracting tv.

The next morning there wasn’t much said until I was leaving the car even though we had a momentous day ahead of us.  Our eldest was coming home from interstate with his girlfriend and was planning on proposing to her.  We all had some kind of involvement in the plan.  The eldest had been a bit put out that hubby continued to go to sailing but there was nothing he could have really done during the time we were busy – the eldest just thought all his hard planning had gone awry.

Table laid, middlest home, meet his new girlfriend (whom I love btw), finally eat, collect hubby and wait to hear that the flight has arrived on time and we are all systems go in the plan.  We secrete ourselves off to a nearby bar as somewhere dry and warm to wait – thankfully it was empty. Then the gathering commences and I feel sick as I wait to be summonsed.  I feel for my boy making such a big commitment and hope he is calm and relaxed knowing this is so the right thing, she is the woman he wants to share his life and future with and all his plans for tonight have gone smoothly.

Deed done we are beckoned and we creep up to the venue.  When she walks out she is shocked at the number of people there though as there is her family of 4, ours of 6, the eldest’s “adopted” family of 4 +2 and many friends whom the eldest has either grown up with or work with.  This is family and this is what friendship means – we share in life and life’s moments.

We spent the next hour gathered around an outdoor heater with coffees and hot chocolates.  Then it was time to pack up and head home – around 10pm, tired and slightly emotional after such a happening.  My eldest boy is committing to marriage – not that he wasn’t committed already but now it was ring official.  The youngest boy sat in the front of the car on the way home and hubby sat in the back of the car on his phone partway home as I drove.

I notice this chasm between us and there was no joyful interaction between us, no joint praise for the effort our son had gone to, no shared love for the woman he was choosing for life. Nothing but silence.

Again I packed up the washing up from the night before.  I wasn’t finishing the washing up that had been left over at this late hour and I got my coffee and headed to bed – hubby watching a political documentary on his phone and me only able for a couple of pages in my book – sleep came.

This morning I woke to my alarm, rain on the roof and felt as if I was two hours short on sleep.  I went for my coffee, fed the cats and returned to bed as I always do.  Hubby got out of bed and commenced his berating of me for not getting up sooner, was I not going to work? Again, nothing positive or neutral – snapping and again I feel I am this person who he just permanently disappointed with.

I can’t seem to shake this air of disappointment – with hubby, with work, with home – I just never feel I’m good enough.

I was at a psychologist session with a professional who teaches “mindfulness” and he talked about me getting free of depression finally – no longer treating the symptoms but treating the cause.  He asked me if I had abandonment issues – after taking a brief look into them, yes, probably.  And with that realisation a depression settles – because at the moment I can’t see the way out of this current pain.

So am I lashing out at hubby and seeing what’s not actually there or does he have so much of his own baggage that he needs to address that it’s hitting him at a similar time?

We were asked to apply for a working with children clearance so that when we are on coffee duty that might have contact with kids then we are covered.  When I spoke to the coordinator I asked if hubby should equally apply (as I had some doubts as to whether he would comply).  When I emailed him the link and suggestion his reply was “I won’t be working with kids.” and “Well, its red tape gone mad – so does it mean I have to fill in a form to go in the courtyard? I’ll pass.”

Again I feel this divide from him wanting to be a part of this and yes it might seem petty but in this litigious world and even crazier world where kids have been abused in church would a reasonable person not want their children protected?  It’s not like he has offended in the past or it costs him anything to do it.

Need some positive…


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