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Control – or lack thereof

3 March, 2015

Control – that tenuous strand we believe we hold onto but in fact are merely pawns in someone else’s chess game and subject to waves of emotion that threaten to sweep us off our feet into the rolling waves of the ocean.

I thought I was doing ok but last weekend communication fell off the planet between hubby and I.  I went to church, he stayed home sulking because he didn’t like being told to “ask” for something.  Then a busy week at work and another weekend with minor communication, he was sailing on Saturday and “doing articles” in the evening on his computer.

Again on Sunday he said he didn’t think he’d go to church.  I was struggling about going on my own – motivation lacking even though I was criticising him in my own head for not giving 24 hours notice – “pot” and “kettle” running through my mind.  And it was Jules A’Bell, who I really like, preaching.

So hubby jumps up, goes downstairs and says he’s going to church.  He comes back 5 minutes later saying I’m coming too and I’m to get up.  I get up, the kids don’t come – need to do something about the reluctant teens.

It was a good service though.  Yes, I had to push thorough and certainly went out of my comfort zone to talk to strangers who looked wrong, sounded wrong and then I blabbered at a rate of knots to a visitor to our state and overloaded them with information – manic-like.

Monday morning rolled around and I struggled to get out of bed and as soon as I did our young cat who was due kittens any day let out a yeowl that made me believe she was finally in labour – so I bailed at work and she followed me up to my room where she settled on a scruffy old cardigan of mine that she loves to suckle on (it’s me she really does it with, not the cardigan we found).

So here I am, daughter home from school again and watching our girl have babies in my lap.  It was amazing her trusting us enough to do this and eventually 4 hours and 4 kittens later she was finished and the kittens were fuzzying up.

We snuggled, I rested hands on them, I was completely besotted by them and can’t wait for our grandbaby to be born as I know I’m going to be even more besotted by one of our own.  Hubby seemed interested in knowing what was going on, ringing frequently and texting, when he arrived home though it was another matter. He ignored the new kittens, made sighing noises when I’d left some washing up he had promised he’d do and I felt general displeasure.

As I stirred to make a start on dinner though my motivation fell to the floor.  I went up to our top door and slid down it in sullen resignation and sat on the deck.  I ended up fixing toast and pate for hubby and he got some further nibbles and then wanted to spend the evening snacking.

I was all set and prepared for work this morning, I was driving myself as hubby had an early morning meeting.  As usual he took himself off to bed and was watching his ipad when I eventually dragged myself up.

First thing this morning I woke to a cat nestled in my back and hubby again with his face in his ipad.  I don’t know what it is that affects me so much about his head in a console, I know I have mine in my phone (which is my computer) just as much but if anything I feel more disconnected the more I’m in it.

My depression rearing its head makes me even more inclined to pull back.  The lack of “likes” on my photos make me feel like it’s a waste of my time. The comparison of my photos and those of a “friend” and questioning as to why I am doing it “every day” make me doubt myself.

As I shoe horned my mammoth car into its parking spot this morning, grateful but put out I questioned my heart-state.  Why was I thinking so bitterly? Why was I feeling the world was against me? We had this amazing morning yesterday having the kittens and now my mood was in my shoes.

Walking down I got the thought that it was all about control – more to the point, feeling out of control – of my life.  How, though, would I rectify this? I had felt out of control last week in work with a bombardment of questions that I was unable to answer, and on the day yesterday had to bounce emails to my colleague that she had to then sort out.

Just yesterday evening hubby mentioned that our eldest may be missing living at home and our more regular interactions.  I had also been told by hubby that I failed to keep in touch with our middlest boy off in Uni while he regularly kept in touch with him when he went to his town with work on a weekly or fortnightly basis.

The pressure mounts and I need to figure out what has to give.  There is an opportunity to go out tonight to meet a “connect” group – Christian fellowship – hubby won’t go as he doesn’t do mid-week socialising of any kind – another place of disconnect.  We are travelling today in separate cars and I just feel this yawing gap grow between me and reality.

Taking some time out to blog and a coffee might help but is it enough?


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