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Feeling fragile

6 February, 2015

It all started yesterday.  I haven’t been kind to myself, not eating well, if at all (meals about one a day and 4-5 lattes) and maybe a snack. Anyway…

Work went ok yesterday, here in body, not in head. My son came in for the day so he could go to the cinema on his last day of school holidays.  First up we’d to go to the orthodontist which we were slotted in last minute for and then had to wait an age to be seen and then the appointment took another age – enough for me to shoot an email to work.

At least I was able to get a park for the day though and we made our way to the office where I think I did more bible study than work and was very distracted in doing that and when some colleagues were talking about the law I felt as if I knew nothing – because I know nothing of what they were discussing, so I tried to stay silent and just learn.

Lunch was a burger for my son across at a burger bar near work and then on for a coffee.  Son quite happily ordered his burger and fries and then took himself off to the cinema on his own.

Time ticked on, son’s movie finished and he was back in the office.  I met him and then we walked to where my daughter gets off her school bus.  I was being physically pushed by son to leave her behind and had to shove him back – it was all in good humour but when my daughter arrived and we told her we were going to leave she punched me to the arm (as she does when you say anything teasing to her).  After the tussle and then the punch my arm was feeling a bit tender.

I was running out of mental resources though and while I like the occasional physical contact I was feeling a bit violated by the rougher interaction without much tender interaction.  It was a case of “don’t poke the bear” and that only got worse as the day wore on.

Daughter was immediately saying she was hungry, could she get Maccas fries. She says she’s hungry on a daily basis and constantly asks for fries as a stop gap for her “urgent hunger”.  She’s been coming into the office for 4 days after a summer holiday break and I’m already over it!

Work done, kids here, it was time to head off to home for the evening.  Again some more jostling as daughter was sitting on my office chair and I needed to grab some last minute paperwork.

At home I found some prawns in the freezer and settled down with a latte, a psychology reading (which was depressing in itself – talking about secure and insecure kids and how they relay memories), and then dinner preparation – which honestly is the least complicated dinner – put rice on, boil, turn off; defrost and cook the prawns, drain; pour in butter sauce from a prepared foil packet, warm through as the rice cooks and add cream – serve.  No fiddling, not much stirring, next to no preparation.

Back to the reading and I was thinking I still had pages to go but the last four! pages were all references! What a relief! Time to relax but the sunset was nice – the sky was blue (as it had been all day) and the air so clear the hills in the distance were blue.  With the sunset being so nice though it means I’m jumping up and down to take photos.

I also went out to try and give our chickens some beds – so I found a rusty old wheelbarrow and ripped the wheel off the tray and then found an old tyre.  I then filled both with hay and put the girls’ eggs back onto the straw.  Hopefully they will protect their eggs a bit better from a box type structure (something is breaking in at night and eating the eggs and I’m hoping I can get our new girls to hatch a dozen eggs I am getting and if they can’t keep what they have I’m worried it will be a futile exercise.

Time to sit down and watch The Block, I’m also updating my photoaday “Something blue” on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook (two pages) and Collect, then my own whim – my evening view.  Luckily most is just a copy and paste function or radio button to get the apps to share.  Then I kind of zone out as I catch up on Facebook or get pestered by daughter in a quiz she is doing with her brother via some app.  I get a question wrong and it’s all my fault.

She asks me a question and then goes “Mum, mum, mum” before I’ve even registered there was a question asked – the straws are breaking my back. The kids steal hubby’s mouse while he’s away from his laptop and when he gets back one of them randomly moves the mouse around on his screen.  At first he takes it in good humour but that quickly turns and he slams his laptop before going to bed.

I sit with our calico cat on my left snuggled up against my leg and then our young pregnant girl comes and snuggles into my lap and I wrap my hand around her trying to feel her kittens as they squirm.  The youngest boy is chattering away while getting his lunch ready for his first day of school today. I’m eventually left alone and trying to decide on another latte or to just head to bed.

I head to bed, read a page or two and fall into a blissful sleep under a heavy doona (duvet).

This morning I wake to my daughter’s alarm going off about 10 minutes before mine.  I’m lying under the heavy covers snug but sweaty and hubby is pulling my arm to try and get me to turn around and hold him – I’m comfortable as I am and when my alarm goes off and I get up to make a latte hubby sighs and makes some divisive comment.

The kids are ready and chattering away downstairs, hubby gets up, time for me to get up.  I check the weather and it’s to be nice today – skirt and singlet warm.   I grab my clothes and note the black skirt, the black singlet and the black sheer jacket/wrap thing – along with my black blingy sandals it’s going to be a black day – much like my mood seems to be devolving to.

In the car on the trip in hubby taps the clock that we’re 7 minutes later than he wanted to leave.  I feel the judgement on a further fragile mental state.  There is questioning about where all the money I’d taken out has gone to but it’s part of my memory that is too hard to dig up and recall what I spent money on.

After the kids get dropped off hubby tells me to ring my Dad and tell him personally about our eldest having a baby. I’m not in the frame of mind and he turns off the radio.  I make the call and end up leaving a message for him that I’ll talk to him over the weekend – sometimes I hate international timezones!

Hubby tries to lighten the mood by poking me. I ignore him. He pokes me again and again and when I look at him he tells me to smile – like I can just turn “happy” on.  It makes me feel closer to despair not further from it.  He doesn’t get it, he just asks if I need to change my meds again rather than riding the hormone rollercoaster.

I’m done, emotionally beat. I have a psych session this morning which will probably turn out to be an annual assessment the management are baying for and I’m possibly as low as I’ve ever been.

My photo to day is “makes me smile”.  This seems to be topic I come into very low into.  I think today is a “fake it till I make it” kinda day.

Don’t poke the bear!


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