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The many moods of depression

25 November, 2014

I woke this morning just before my alarm with our kitten under my hand, wind blowing outside and felt good. I lay there for a few minutes and felt capable of dealing with today. When my alarm went off to get up I reluctantly got out of my warm bed and went to make a coffee.

First job, collect cats and dogs as I wander downstairs. Usually the cats go before me like a bow wave and the dogs are on my ankles. Coffee machine warming, cats fed, dog out and I down my Prozac and supplements.

The routine is the same every morning lately. Make a coffee and hop back into bed for 15 minutes or so while the kids stir and get themselves up. I call our daughter and there is silence. The silence says so much more than she does.

A few minutes later she comes into my room. I know what this means. She’s given up and will not be going to school this morning. She’s pleading a migraine headache and that the daylight is hurting her eyes.

She doesn’t ask can she stay home she just takes it for granted now. It’s been the cycle of this last year of school. I try and cajole her into going but she won’t have a bar of it. I then try some tough love and tell her to suck it up. Also unsuccessful.

I feel disheartened with her response and feel the fickleness of my morning being so positive and then dashed on the rocks of my daughter’s health.

All I did was wake up and it was obviously in a good part of my sleep to wake up in and made a coffee. Nothing else happened to me directly but my mood dropped. If I were to do a scale my mood would look like an ECG line jumping up and down in wildly erratic up and down lines.

I have this idea that maybe it should be a flat line, but I don’t want that either. I want some highs and I guess with each high I need to expect the low – just not in the space of an hour.

​The wildly erratic ups and downs is what exhausts me more than anything. When I deal with that then all I want it the flat line, to stop.

I want to feel like I have some control and not my emotions controlling me.

I received an invite to a Sisterhood thing on tonight and my intention was “yes, I will make the effort”. That was last night. This morning I feel like chucking it again and bailing – for something that will benefit me and getting around other girls (something I’ve been avoiding apart from my work colleagues) lately.

I get so confused by depression, introvert/extrovert, who I am, what I do, what I want to do, what my hopes and dreams are.

I have a heap of cross stitch stuff I could do, knitting projects, quilt making and the other day had someone comment on some stump work they had done and how their eyesight is failing so they should get on with it now before they can’t see it properly.

I guess this hit home as my eyes have shifted again and I need to get my prescription updated but I don’t have the money to do it and when I try and see everyday things in front of me (particularly when driving) I notice how much fuzzier my vision has gotten and how at the age of 42 my body continues to let me down rather than seeming to improve.

So it’s all the little needles, the little barbs of fallibility that suck at my legs while I tread water, pulling me back under and exhaust.

On with the day…


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