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If nothing changes, nothing changes

11 August, 2014

I’ve heard this preached and talked about for years and until this week when it’s echoed in my head with this never-ending relationship crap.

I’d be stupid not to realise that there is something not right in paradise. I’ve been monitoring my withdrawal symptoms in the last 3 weeks or so. The head spins are minimal now – one every day or so. The mood is flat and in the last couple of days I’ve noticed the anger more manifest.

Our middlest boy was home for the weekend and he brought home his hard drive full of movies and tv series so we overloaded on watching them. I didn’t think our interactions were any better or worse than normal and we chatted easily when we were together.

Hubby arrived home from being away Mon-Fri and as I walked in restrained by motorbike leathers he followed me around the lounge and kitchen as I put things down – he was after a hug apparently which I didn’t oblige.

As we sat on the couch childless for the evening I put on Suits. Nothing was arranged for dinner and I ended up getting a bacon sandwich and making him one too rather than raise more insult by not doing it.

So hubby is on one end of the couch and I’m on another. He’s in his phone and I’m watching tv – nothing said. One and a half episodes in my attention is beginning to flag and I pick up my phone – now I start getting challenged that I’ve been in my phone all evening and couldn’t I have chatted to him?!

Saturday dawns and at 5am he wakes yelling and screaming in pain with his back. Honestly you’d swear his life was over the noise he was making, so after I go downstairs get him 2 Nurofen, 2 codeine forte and (I know, excessive maybe) 2 Endone I hand them to him and sit on the side of the bed while he continues to yell wondering where my compassion has gone.

Apparently he staggered downstairs and when he sat down the pain subsided but he ended up vomiting (which didn’t help his back pain). Later in the morning he was walking around ok again so it was all good although he still moans and groans when he moves.

Saturday was my “work at home” day where I was getting my work prep for Monday done as movies played and I had interactions with the kids after asking them what they preferred me to do, sit on couch and work or go to kitchen table and work.

Saturday night I go out with a girlfriend to a gig she won tickets to and tried to forget about shitty marriages for a while. I enjoy the music but I’m lonely as all hell and hide behind a shank of hair as all I can think of is an unhappy home life and not wanting to go home.

Sunday hubby said he’d come to church. Again I want to avoid him, anything nice is left unsaid. I abandon him to talk to others at church. I have no grace towards him. I’m not sure I’d treat even an enemy with as much contempt as I apparently have.

Hubby even whinged that I walked ahead of him rather than beside him – walking across a busy road at a glacial pace – as we returned to the car. We were meant to pick up the eldest’s girlfriend after she finished work but due to hubby making a song and dance of it the eldest made different arrangements.

I contacted the girlfriend before she finished and we fixed up what was happening and we brought her home between work and church which the middlest then took over the taxi duties. I don’t know why hubby makes objections to what are “standard operating procedures” to our Sundays when he’s not around and it wasn’t an inconvenience to us.

On Sunday afternoon I’d barely sat down when hubby told me I was on dinner and could I make soup. It was how he asked me that irked. I ended up making a start on soup and then found I needed more ingredients to make more. I pulled out bins and recycling and went to buy some things.

Three soups later, pumpkin, cauliflower and blue cheese and silverbeet with bok choy I’m done and the kids arrive home. Soup is served but I’m done. I’m not hungry and I leave them all to it. I have a coffee away from them.

At some stage in the evening I get laid into for not parenting our daughter by hubby and sons. Yes, I know it’s easier to ignore bad behaviour rather than fight with someone and it’s her age. She’d isolated herself most of Saturday evening.

I ended up going to bed to read after another episode of The Simpsons came on and there were arguments about what was on tv and that a movie wasn’t being chosen quickly enough for people. More blame dished out and I ended up going into the eldest where he tells me I’m doing a shit job parenting our daughter and leaving it all up to hubby (who is inept and seems to make things worse).

So my mood is low, so low. I left the house this morning after hubby spent the night with his bad back on the couch without saying much. As we left we stupidly left the “dumb blonde” (retriever) out and he was down at the gate he managed to escape the girlfriend’s efforts to keep him in – rookie move.

So we sit there and I am so angry. I swear about the dog. I’m frustrated that we will now be late on top of which I have to stop en route to get diesel and I have an early start at work that I wanted to be in on time to manage. There was also the issue that I’m not guaranteed a parking spot where I try and park – luckily enough God has gone before me and there is one for me.

Again as I drive I hide behind shanks of hair as tears threaten. A song “I’m worn” comes on air and further hurts. I get myself sorted for work, coffee up and begin the day of distraction. I come back to the office and I have received an email from hubby – go to the doctor or else!

Amongst this threat of the doctor he has apparently told our eldest to go and have a bitch to him about me – which he refused. Hubby also stating that the middlest didn’t want to return home again in a hurry, I was rude and didn’t interact with him when he was here and the middlest had returned to Uni appalled at my behaviour. Oh, and our daughter was behaving disgustingly and I was letting her away with it.

So I’ve sent an email to my psych who is away for another couple of weeks. I’ve made an appointment with the GP for tomorrow if I can leave work on time. I made a phone call to the middlest who said his sister was indeed off the show and hubby had seemed improved to where he had been previously.

Of note, hubby has been less erratic in his behaviour. He’s instead of being rage-y has been snide in his remarks and comebacks. He will point out behaviour in a spiteful way and his put downs seems to be more subtle. He is more than happy to point out failings and faults.

So now I don’t want to go home. I have indeed let my parenting lapse. I am miserable and because nothing has changed – nothing has changed…

So that’s where I’m at…


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