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The beginning of the end?

21 July, 2014

After our disagreement last night there wasn’t much interaction last night. I went up to bed early and hubby followed me up a short while later. After his insistence that I reduce my meds I took half what I’ve been taking at night and dispensed my supplements for next week at a lesser dose of Pristiq.

This morning I woke super early – 4 am or something. I put it down to the lighter meds. I went to the toilet and back to bed to snuggle under the covers. I was later aware of hubby awake and spooning me. I was mildly irritated.

Later he was rubbing my back when it was time for us to get up and on with our day. When the time came to get my coffee-to-go and the youngest boy out to school I was about to put a bagel in the toaster to heat and eat in the car when we were informed rather impatiently that we were late and needed to go.

When I got out to the car I heard hubby demanding our son bring letters into school and as he turned the car he tried to make a badly timed joke about being stern as he cracked a smile. The damage was done though.

I sat quietly in the car until we dispatched our son and then hubby asked if I was busy in work today. I opened my mouth to answer and then paused as I was a bit pre-occupied with how the morning would go as the last one had been overly quick in its processing and I had felt a bit overwhelmed.

My pause was obviously too long though and hubby threw up his hands in exasperation and then started to demand if our marriage was going to work. Did I even want it to work?! Hubby had already checked out places to rent. Apparently I had been really nice with him on the phone last week and a complete bitch in person since his return.

I was allegedly making unfair demands on him attending church or reading the bible and I appeared to be making no effort and he was doing all of the hard work. He would have to cancel his mother’s visit now in November due to my behaviour.

Hubby thinks the meds have changed me. How were we going to be able to proceed forward if I was going to be so unapproachable? When I said to him that it was not “all about him” he turned on me and eventually seemed to concede that it took the two of us.

When we had spoken yesterday evening I told him that I didn’t trust him. His response was he didn’t trust me either. When I asked him to explain he then blamed me for losing his best friend who no longer appeared to want anything to do with him but was still “chummy” with me.

Did he show any interest in why I might not trust him? No, only to accuse me and “demand” an answer. There was no concern that I didn’t trust him or more importantly why I didn’t trust him – which is not his fidelity, but being able to trust him not to hurt me – to trust him with my heart.

With his rapid shift in how he treats each of the family I don’t feel he is a “safe place”. I don’t trust him not to hurt me emotionally. I know I am guarded but when I’m fighting to keep myself alive and from not tipping into suicidal thinking it’s all I can do.

I don’t know if it’s a meds reaction or not. I am not going to tell the family I am off the meds but I will monitor myself closely to see how I’m doing. Between a woman’s monthly hormones and daily living the next few weeks will be interesting.

Not looking forward to the drive home

Pip

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