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Church and reassurances from God

8 June, 2014

This morning I went to church. The weekend had been ok with an afternoon spent wine tasting with hubby and friends.

No rows. No over-commitment on church today. Hubby went out for drinks last night with colleagues and I’d gone to bed before he’d gotten back.

This morning though he seemed uncommitted about whether he would come or not. The preacher was Jentezen Franklin who he seemed to take issue with from many years ago.

So I bit my tongue and tried not to rise to the bait. He drove and when I put our radio station on he overrode it with his phone playlist which was terrible. I bit my tongue even though the kids said it was awful.

He asked where church was on. I said city and to park at a nearby carpark. Apparently it annoyed him that I wasn’t specific enough.

We arrived at church and met a couple we have known for years who were visiting. We took our seats and I tried to ignore hubby while I prayed God would just have His way.

It was a good service with me wondering if this was to be my home church. Then I looked across at another new family and thought of how they had so much experience leading church and what had I to offer?

But I felt a reassurance from God that it was Him in me then somehow it would all be ok. I still feel inadequate though.

Church finished and we grabbed coffee and chatted with some people before it was time to get on with our day.

This is when the world turned to shit. I hadn’t brought my sunglasses and the sky had cleared from its earlier grey so when I was “shotgun-ed” by our boy I let him have the front seat happy to avoid some of the sun’s glare.

Hubby struggled to find the street in his hire-car gps. I said the suburb and that it needed a space between words and he spat at me that he was trying to drive.

The radio got changed to another station and seemed louder than it needed to be. I gave directions that I hoped he’d hear. He did but reacted badly when I said stop at the address I’d already told him.

As we picked up the eldest’s girlfriend she exclaimed that a friend who was set to meet her to fix a piercing was in the wrong place. I told her she would have to ask hubby as he was annoyed with me.

Of course he obliged her but when we got home there was more aggro and I went outside to release some stress.

More misunderstanding and communication errors led to more shouting as he went from talking about giving people a lift (that we’d discussed) to him “not being allowed to have a run” things completely broke down.

As he went out for his run hubby managed to have a go at the eldest too. What a mess. I could see us back to square one and his irrational arguing.

So I dropped the eldest and his girlfriend out to church and desperate for a hug I went in to my “mum”. I told her of his reaction and asked her to please pray. On my way out I said the same to another friend.

Dinner was nearly ready when hubby talked to me and put the blame firmly on my shoulders. He accepted nothing himself.

He brought up that he’d showed me a restaurant menu that he’d brought home. I thought it odd that anyone would do that. I mean why would that entice me over his description of the venue (when he’d only ever Facebooked about it).

He wouldn’t see my point of view and he said I was trying to push him out of the house. He left to shower and when I went to check on his Facebook messages I’m not disappointed.

He’s still in touch with N and was with her last night for the work drinks it would seem. He fishes for her company and has a whinge about me. She reinforces him.

His counsellor is away for the next three weeks. If church has caused this reaction in him then how do we process it if we can’t even talk to each other again?

If I’ve caused this reaction then how do reclaim the tenuous ground we’d made when we can’t seem to bear talking together?

If it was just me that was causing this hostility then why is it that hubby has and is reacting when the kids stand firm on something?

Hubby had told me that I was to tell him when he was being “off” but when I said I thought his reaction was due to being off his meds he said “I wondered when you’d throw that at me?!”

Travelling backwards at a rate of knots :o(


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