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Affairs of the heart

25 May, 2014

What a weekend!

Friday night took a turn that I’d like to see repeated. A meal with the eldest, on the way unexpectedly bumping into his girlfriend and dragging her along. A coffee with friends, laughs, deep talk and growing friendships.

Saturday was a merciful lie in with me forgoing my photoaday “Sunrise” shot. I woke and made a latte. A short time later a second coffee was supplied (a bribe to get me up for a lift).

I dropped the eldest off to a breakfast with friends and snagged another coffee before I reluctantly left him to it. His friends are mine and I’ve known them all for years but it was their time to connect.

Home and some Doctor Who viewing before I left for my day out. Work catch up to prepare for Monday and then going to a Cracker Night organised by our local Hillsong congregation.

During the night there were friends popping up and then the spectacle of the fireworks. For a small group to have organised this public event and all the crazy fireworks I’m in awe. It was really good.

While I was there I had a text from hubby. He wanted to know why I hadn’t invited him. He seemed to think the kids would want to have spent hours with him than in my office.

I asked them and they said “no”. It’s a sad day when kids don’t want to spend time with their Dad. Fireworks all over we headed home.

Hubby was watching an old Star Trek movie when we got in. The tv was quickly overruled, hubby given a direction to clean up some cat poo having locked a cat into a room and he disappeared for the night.

Sunday was to be a day of church and movie with the kids. It started with hubby asking me about him coming off his meds. I confronted him and said that things had changed again with us since he’d last changes his meds in December. Now he was unapproachable.

Time to leave for the day. As I dragged my devastated heart out I wondered why I was reacting in such a way. I realised that in my anger at hubby I’ve yelled at him and he believed it was this “aggressiveness” our friends in Ireland saw.

When I challenged him that he was so full of pride I couldn’t get through to him I just got more pride and stopped talking.

In the car I thought of how I can never display my anger with hubby without hurt following in quick succession. It’s like I’ve had to shut my emotions down all these years, to stop feeling joy, frustration, anger, hurt and sadness.

In essence I’ve stopped myself from feeling because of the conflict it caused. Initially I was too tired to fight and just wore myself down. In all that pain I died more and more from the person I really was.

At the Cracker Night I caught a glimpse of the old me when I engaged a complete stranger in conversation. I glimpsed it again as I cared that there was help on the coffee machine. I was missing “serving”.

Morning church was again at our local Hillsong congregation. Unfortunately having the movie straight after meant we couldn’t linger and socialise.

However during the service I wanted to press in, to hear God talk to me, to reach out to the One who loves me unconditionally.

While there I received an email from hubby. He wanted my opinion on him coming off his meds. He’d also consulted Facebook.

The thing is I can’t and won’t go back to the old hubby. I’ve said it all along, he was like an alcoholic without the drink. We would never know what might set him off.

So I gave it to God. I knew I had to make a declaration for my family. If he came off the meds he’d have to move out. Up until now I’d done a poor job in protecting my children. Might I be too late?

Now I’d just have to plan when to say that. I decided to do it at our marriage counselling session tomorrow night.

Time to get on with the day with the kids. They didn’t need this weight. We went and grabbed snacks and last minute seats in the cinema for X-Men, Days of Future Past.

Before the movie started hubby texted options for dinner. It all seemed to be getting too much and he asked what we were up to. Initially I ignored the question.

Asking again I responded we were at the cinema. Again he was upset we didn’t invite him. But it’s not like he’d have come to church with us beforehand or after.

After the movie we met up with the eldest and his girlfriend and I dropped them all off at church and I zipped off to collect our veggie box we get weekly.

While I was gone I’d also planned on calling into friends. I went to their house and only saw one car. I briefly considered calling in and willingly giving myself up into my friend’s hug while his wife might be out.

This is where I knew I was deeply hurt. I then remembered as I drove back to church that they were both away. I again tried to go into God’s arms.

The pastor said what he always says, “You’re not here by mere coincidence”. I didn’t feel the message resonated with me much but at the end when an invitation to accept Jesus is made I saw the eldest’s girlfriend raise her hand. Yes!!

We spoke briefly how “big” this week had been for her and how many things had fallen into place leading up to her decision. I guess in a way I’ve felt something similar with me and my marriage.

It’s now 11pm. I’ve checked hubby’s Facebook again and found that if he goes away for a night he might make it two and stay in the city the second night so he doesn’t have to ask “she who must be obeyed” for a lift home after he’s been drinking.

He also asked N out for a coffee during the week with her warning him how much worse I might get it he crossed me. More nails in the coffin.

I will see what future hubby might want to spin tomorrow at the counselling but I’m expecting it to be the beginning of the end unless there’s a massive intervention. I don’t see him committed to this relationship of ours.

Little foxes…


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