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Rapid deterioration

19 May, 2014

Last night I was crying out (in my spirit) how desperately unhappy I was. Hubby is confusing the hell out of me. One minute he’s talking to me, the next he’s complimenting me, the next he’s exclaiming in reaction to something I’ve said, he’s sitting on the steps away from everyone as if there’s no room on the couch and then going to bed early as usual.

Last night when I went upstairs to change he was awake and polite. Within 5 minutes our daughter comes down giving out that he’s snoring (again). When I next go up he is indeed snoring, sleeping on one pillow so I poke him to roll over. This is the third night of him snoring and both the kids at our end of the house have mentioned it.

The snoring doesn’t stop with the sleeping position and tonight I’ve had enough. I ask him to sleep in another room. He leaves muttering that next I’ll be asking him to move out! I discover he’s gone to the lounge to “sleep”. In the morning his phone buzzes.

Now I’m not a prying wife usually but I do wonder at times who he talks with when he’s constantly on his phone. So I’m slightly surprised to see a girl’s name in his messages. Only now he’s talking about being sex-starved and craving chocolate, his marriage – to which apparently he’s the “peace-keeper” (oh there’s a laugh) and I suddenly see that he sees himself the victim in all of this – it’s confirmed (not just guessed). He says he’s staying for the kids – there’s a laugh, he barely talks to them.

So anger fumes. It flares and it dies – I mean, what’s the point in getting angry?! And then I get frustrated at myself for being so damn compliant. But the reigning emotion is disappointment, sadness and me wanting to run away from emotions that bubble and not deal with them when I know not dealing with them is doing me more harm than good.

I ask myself “have I not felt I have been the victim up until now?” I ask myself haven’t I reached out in the same desperate way to be heard? I think about actually making a stand and moving out to really deal with all of this but the practicalities are enormous and it seems the kids would be the losers.

I try and look at this unemotionally and I see me as the ice queen. Hubby will give me a peck on the lips, hubby will tell me I “look nice”, OMG hubby did the washing up last night! – I even said to him that I appreciated it.

But today things all go wrong somehow. I read the messages and feel as if I’m the troll in the relationship. I feel like I’m the one being the bitch but the truth is my love is dead and I have no idea how to reclaim it if it can be reclaimed.

I get on with my day thankful for the escape into a busy morning at work. My heart breaking. Hubby even called during the day and signed off with his “love you”.

On the way home I stop and go to the post office knowing there is a parcel for me there. The eldest has already told hubby there is a parcel and he’s collected them. Dinner is cooking and hubby has again left things lying all over the place and pots in the sink soaking.

Just before dinner is ready hubby insists our daughter empty the dishwasher, when I point out that now isn’t the best time he mutters “shut up J” to himself – meaning he is to shut up, how dare he even ask her to do anything – not what I meant at all.

Later our eldest drums, hubby freaks out and when he walks back into the room I tell him he needs to clean up his kitchen mess. He’s in his phone and doesn’t hear me. I get his attention and say it again to be greeted with a filthy look and when I ask what’s wrong he says nothing.

Things are deteriorating fast.

I got to wondering when things seemed to really hit rock bottom in our relationship. I mean things have never been brilliant I guess but it was good when it was good and certainly better than now. But the turning point was when I was away in my current job training for 8 months living away from home leaving him to mind the kids mid week.

I made family my priority on the weekends and the family came in for dinner once a week but even that got harder and harder to deal with as I went from having 4 kids and hubby to having 3 kids and 2 adults as our older boys grew up and hubby regressed in many ways.

I had to man up during training. I had to become assertive. As I became more assertive hubby backed away. Somewhere over the last 7 years though I’ve regressed with working shift work ending up sleep deprived and over stressed as my 10 year old daughter would call and email me telling me “Daddy is yelling, please come home” while I was out at work in the evenings.

Eventually I broke, ending up on anti-depressants, time off work and giving hubby an ultimatum of seeking help for his erratic behaviour and him on anti-depressants also with both of us being told we should get marriage counselling.

So now we live in a dysfunctional home, hubby on his computer in another room and the family in the lounge.

Disturbing thoughts beckon at the edge of my mind. So far they are easy to control though.

Oh I forgot to mention. Hubby is away with work tomorrow. His comment to his “friend” tonight on Facebook was “freedom!” along with some other slightly suggestive prompts from him.

Pip

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