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22 March, 2014

My daughter gained a little weight – 100g in 2 days. My hubby got the promotion he was after which will allow us to realign our finances. My supervisor has been really good about my time off with my daughter and informed me that a position will be coming available and I need to be ready with my application if I want to stay.

So those are the good points – my life has taken another corner and my view has changed. But where am I in all of this? Stoically ignoring feelings, avoiding blogging because “I don’t want to go there” and distracting myself with kids and movies.

With the hospital weigh-in on Friday and the brief catch up at work in a way I feel as if I’ve taken back a little control having felt as if life had spun out of control. Even with me going away the hospital are insisting it’s of vital importance that my daughter continues her appointments to make sure she’s doing ok, if not better than ok.

So the diary got filled up for the next month of forward planning of school, hospital checkups, work days and rest days. With the relevant details in my phone calendar they were then transcribed onto paper to allow me see the next period clearly.

Seeing the days we’re away and how short it really appears, working out departure and arrival times it becomes much more real that we are doing this and it’s all hands on deck with my capable family and the kids being responsible for their transport, support of each other and catering.

On one hand I am very proud of my family. They haven’t once flapped about me being away. My daughter, even in this food battle, has constantly assured me to go and see my family. On the other hand I will miss them desperately and wish they were with me – but they have started writing out their shopping lists for me to bring home.

I’m looking forward to my time with our friends in Paris, family and friends in Ireland and Wales and all of a sudden we’ll be back home again. But mostly I’m looking forward to soaking my soul in Ireland. I’m anxious for the trip to be closer so I can check the weather but I don’t care what it will be, I just want to know what coat to bring!

I need this soul time. I need my inherent roots. In some ways I need the nostalgia. I need the time away from kids and also away in part from hubby (as he ditches me for a motorbike ride with our good friend!). Actually I’m jealous of that bit!

So let me stop for a moment – during the week I spoke with J, my psychologist. At one point, as I dodged around questions, she said about depression saying to me what I should do – run and hide. It was how she spoke about depression that made me realise that I had been letting it have control and maybe I should name my “black dog”. The name that came to mind was Marmaduke – yes, like the big Great Dane cartoon dog.

So if I refer to my depression by the name of Marmaduke in the future it won’t seem quite so odd – strange but not odd. What I mean to do is give my depression, Marmaduke, a personality that is separate from me and in doing so to be able to stand away from constantly entertaining the beast. There are times it should be ignored and times when it should be tamed and trained.

Maybe by the stepping to one side of it will also allow me to face things I’d rather not face too and deal with myself a bit better.

Ciao for now


Sent from my iPad

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