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Wanting to give up but fighting on anyway

17 March, 2014

These last couple of weeks have been torture of a mental kind and physical. My mood has been rock bottom causing me to question my very existence, work role and friendships.

While I love my daughter dearly and love having her company I have hated to fight her over her eating or bad eating practices. Having received a food guide stating food groups and how many of each serve is the ideal daily content it has helped us.

My creative girl has drawn up the groups on her white board and has boxes to tick off as her day progresses. She is keen to get back to school and not have to repeat a year so she insisted on going in today.

My only disappointment in today as I was remaining at home was that she prepared her lunchbox with snacks for throughout the day. Hubby came down, grabbed his keys, put his meds in his pocket and said “Come on, let’s go”.

Our girl wasn’t even given a chance to get some cereal or bread based food to eat on the go. The main rub with me is that hubby wanted to leave at his same time as normal even though he wasn’t due to start in the city until an hour later than his usual time. He didn’t want “to get stuck in traffic” (we have traffic jams that last 10 minutes in peak hour).

I guess a lot of my problem with my feelings towards hubby is that I’m done. There is no unity, no “us”, no team. When I analyse why I feel that I wonder if it’s a current gripe or a built up gripe. Often it’s a built up gripe and then another current gripe jumps all over it confirming that I’m done.

He tried “reaching out” on Friday evening by saying he’d come along with me while the kids were at youth, “to keep me company”. He suggested a movie and I thought “yep, we won’t have to talk for 2 hours”. When he said the suggested title I gulped. It sounded awful – an endurance for me.

I quickly checked on my movie bible, IMDB, and found the story line of the movie, The Monuments Men. I must admit, I loved the movie. Very touching and well done and seeing the artwork recovered and what was lost was heartrending.

Unfortunately as we walked the kilometre to the cinema and I booked cheap tickets online we managed to have an argument and have resentful looks glared at each other. More conflict afterwards and hubby mentioned moving out after an upcoming trip to Europe.

I was at the point where I didn’t even know if I could put up with him for the 2 weeks of us away with no kids. I was prepared to pull out as our daughter wasn’t eating voluntarily but having to be constantly prompted to eat. I mean, what kind of mother would I be to leave for two weeks and expect someone else to carry the load?!

On Saturday I had some time free on my own so went alone to our friend’s restaurant to tell them I wasn’t planning on running the marathon as I haven’t been eating or training. As I continued to talk with my friends they talked me around to supporting R at her pace and if we had to bail mid way we’d hop on a train but she intended to finish even if it took her 7 hours.

As I shared how things were with hubby and I she just encouraged me to get home to my family anyway and get some emotional support from them. More importantly for me is being able to reconnect with my land – my rolling green hills and the country as shown in PS I Love You – that’s my playground, Wicklow.

On Sunday there were prompts to go along to church. My eldest phoned me around 9am waking me telling me to get up and come to the Farmers Market. My daughter and I finally rose and went into the city and I was thinking we’d missed morning church and we relaxed together with coffee and food.

In the afternoon I received a text from a friend encouraging me to come along in the afternoon to listen to Beth Moore via the Hillsong live feed. It felt as if I’d come home. My heart has ached for so long to be a part of Hillsong church but not being able to move to Sydney to do it.

As I bathed in songs of worship and sang what reminded me of the catholic apostles creed I declared with the others what I believed – the truth of God and it helped in re-centreing me on a stable foundation rather than the quicksand of despair that is mental illness.

I was also given a gift of a Hillsong Sisterhood bible that was given to the thousands of women last week in the Colour Conference in Sydney. I’ve been avoiding my daily readings on my phone when the reminders pop up and feeling so down on myself. It was just another reminder for me to read it and it’s a beautiful slim sandy coloured leather bible.

So this morning I woke early. I was awake at 6.30am and rose at 7 to get my daughter ready for school and feed her – only she took longer and then got rushed out the door. I went back to bed to my shivering beagle and our “newspapers” (two black and white cats) on my bed.

I dozed for an hour before finally rising and dressing. I see the wind blowing the trees, the grey skies, the blue patches as the clouds barrel along. It looks cold out but when I step onto the deck for today’s photo a day project I’m surprised at how warm it is.

My mood I notice is good too. Less scattered and despondent as it has been. Some hope has been put in my heart and while it’s still tiny it’s more than has been there for a long time.


Sent from my iPad

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