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Unsettled inside

5 March, 2014

So much going on. I feel like I’ve been spinning around and now I’m dizzy and unable to settle on any one thing.

The eldest is living between here and his girlfriend’s family home. When he’s here he disappears into his room with his PS3 and I hardly see him except when he comes out sometimes snapping orders.

The middlest has moved a two hour drive away to university and is in contact every couple of days with one or two Facebook messages.

I miss him sitting on the couch in the evenings, juggling my iPad, his laptop and possibly his phone as the tv drones and sporadic conversation takes place.

The youngest boy is now back at school and I’ve tried to encourage him to try some new things after school. Today I get a glimpse of how inconvenient that will make things but I don’t want to pen him in.

And then there’s the youngest. My daughter. In the last three weeks she’s gone from eating regularly, if not small portions, to feeling nauseous whenever she eats, which puts her off eating.

Then the little bits she eats aren’t nutritious but I won’t discourage it because it’s something. We’ve been to our doctor twice now and they’ve done blood work, which for now are normal and a base line ECG.

We’ve discussed eating disorders and body image and she says she doesn’t have anything like that going through her head. She just wants not to feel sick when she eats.

We’ve been referred to our local hospital and outpatient clinic and in this last week we’ve seen her deteriorate to being dizzy, getting headspins and looking ashen.

She has missed most of the last three weeks of school and it’s a new year. She is getting frustrated that she’s going to fall behind and just wants to do her work and not feel dizzy.

I don’t know what’s involved in this clinic. It doesn’t fit into a “normal” eating disorder box to my mind. I’ve been on two weeks leave and she’s been home with me the most part.

Then in four weeks we have a trip to Europe for two weeks. I’m now thinking I shouldn’t go at all after already struggling with the idea of just being with hubby for the fortnight.

He acts concerned with our daughter but doesn’t ASK anything, he has his mind made up about so much already about her. And he yells at her when he doesn’t get his desired response.

This afternoon she told me that on their way to school today he told her that he had enough stress in his life right now with his dad dying, new job application, our marriage and now our daughter.

I’m appalled that a grown man will blame his daughter for choosing this! I constantly get a glimpse of “nice” and then the “bastard” comes back.

In my two weeks off I’ve watched him come home from work and start his photo or article work but do nothing to help with bins, washing up, changing a lightbulb high up in our bathroom or even treat my motorbike with the same care that I do.

I’m frustrated by him. So often I think I’d be better off without him. I don’t even care if I don’t go on this trip. I’ve talked myself out of running the marathon and have done no training anyway.

But if I were to stay behind to keep an eye on my daughter’s feeding schedule he would firmly put the blame on her.

As it is I might have to take time off work to sort this out with her and deal with appointments. That’ll be fun to organise!

So I’m restless. Have done nothing productive with my time off work. I feel uninspired. I feel buried by all this weight.


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