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Warning: trigger alert

25 February, 2014

I’m at the start of two weeks off work. I’m not quite sure what to do with myself but blogging is high up on the list and running away is also desired.

Yesterday I had to take our daughter to the GP. We are investigating her for, well not an eating "disorder", but for her feeling nauseous whenever she eats.

I think she’s lost some weight already and it’s only been 2 weeks. She is really level headed. We’ve read up on anorexia and she says, "No way". She’s not thinking about body image or anything.

What does worry me is that she’s mirroring my lack of eating and the marriage instability. She doesn’t think so. She just feels queasy when she eats. Even if she’s hungry.

So we try and encourage little portions but that got super hard as the cupboard and fridge got more bare and my lack of eating inspired no enthusiasm for cooking. But we’re getting there slowly.

She picked the last few shopping items and hopefully the feeling of nausea will leave soon so she doesn’t develop a fear of eating.

Onto other topics…

My Photo A Day topic today was "Cut". Briefly a clapper board came to mind and I’ve seen a few in the list. But what came and stayed with me was self harm cutting.

In life and in work I have seen the scars on people. I have talked with some about why they do it and have walked alongside one friend as she battled the urge to cut, often to succumb and rain more guilt down on herself.

Firstly, I knew the shot I wanted. I also knew I would need both hands so found a camera app with a timer. Then I hunted for red food colouring, ketchup and a drop of blue to make it more "blood coloured".

I found the box cutter blade I had been given by a friend who didn’t trust their self one night. Funny how now I was thinking of using it myself.

I posed for the photo, got the lighting I wanted and posted my pic with support info in my comment.

I guess I was unprepared (stupidly, I’ve seen support on other posts) by people for my graphic picture.

I wasn’t prepared for the picture to be reported when I’d made a warning and put the pic within the comments and so I sent feedback to Facebook.

So far, 6 hours later, the photo still hasn’t been removed.

Here is my post: Day 25 Cut – yes, this is of graphic nature. However, it has been done with special effects.

Unfortunately there are people out there with whom this is a reality of both past and present.

When I first saw this prompt and due to my current mental health this is what I envisioned. I haven’t cut (yet) but if I believed it would really give some relief to mental anguish then perhaps I would.

If you cut or want to suicide please seek help from your local Lifeline or in an emergency call emergency services.

You DON’T have to do it alone #fmsphotoaday #fmsphotoadayfeb #photoaday #photoadayfeb #cut #lifeline #suicide #wanttodie

I just received a private message thanking me and that they will sleep tonight knowing they aren’t alone.

This was my response: Oh S you definitely aren’t. :’)

I’m my own worst enemy at the moment. I struggle to think of calling Lifeline, friends or family.

In fact I stupidly think I’m protecting them when I daren’t tell them the pain hurts so much I want to die.

You know the only reason for me today not "experimenting" with that blade is that I’m getting a massage later and my skin won’t hide anything.

I’m afraid to ride my motorbike alone.

My release is my blog which I’m currently writing a post for.

I found my music on my phone a huge help. My favourite radio station often has songs that speak to my heart and help me hang on a bit longer.

I hate how this struggle isolates people. It tears at friends and turns them into enemies.

You are not alone. Even when it feels like you are.

Thanks for contacting me and reaching out

X

The thing is I have isolated myself. I have shut down from hubby. I have felt judged by him and inadequate with my kids.

The kids let me be who I am. Maybe because they don’t often remember me different or they just don’t expect the happy unburdened me to be hidden.

Hubby was appalled by my post and by me telling a friend I’d had a mammogram last year (which he told me he knew about ages ago) but had never discussed with him (I commented on a friend’s post).

He then didn’t appreciate when I read an article he wrote about his "depression" (burn out) and I said he didn’t even do the things he said he did (limiting Facebook at night and working in his own time). I also thought his accusations were more about him being left out rather than about me and my shocking thinking.

So I’ve sat in bed all morning watching comments grow on my picture from strangers around the world. Not one comment from MY Facebook friends in my personal album.

I’ve sat with a cat in my lap, on my feet, dogs scattered on the floor and I’ve had the urge to make the picture true.

The thought of taking a load of tablets also hovers in the background. Thoughts of "my family would be better off without their screwed up mother" swim in and out of focus these last few days with minor gasps of air.

Yesterday when I took my daughter to the doctor we had to go on my motorbike. Having her pillion grounded me. I even came home and looked online for a new motor bike for hubby that either of us could ride.

That got me looking at riding holidays as a friend said he’d hook hubby up when we visit. My passion briefly rose. I wondered about riding in Scotland as we had Brave playing on our DVD.

Oh to dream again!

P

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