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Hating the hater

15 February, 2014

He asks what’s for dinner. I’m not hungry. I’m not eating. I’m not cooking.

An hour later he asks again. I tell him to get something. He dodges the comment until half an hour later he then turns on me because although I might not be eating, “What about the family?!”

I don’t know why he’s rendered unable to cook but apparently due to my adherence to the couch I should be the one to cook. Besides we are supposed to be running 10km in the morning and need the carbs onboard.

I was going to run. I had pulled my running gear aside to grab easily at 6am in the dark. As I sat listening to his lecture about needing carbs a shot of guilt ran through me as I don’t even want to be kind to my body enough to fuel it.

Instead I take his insults and tell him to get stuffed and leave the room. He’s partly right. I haven’t done much in my weekends off but neither have we done anything to encourage me off the couch.

So I tell him to shove his 10km tomorrow and I won’t go. His response was “I knew you would” and “I don’t care if you don’t run”. He then asked what my excuse for the Paris Marathon in April will be.

After I was upstairs half an hour he came up and asked what was wrong with me. Apparently I’ve been awful since Christmas (since he incidentally reduced his meds).

To then add more insult (to him in his eyes) I’ve been a callous bitch about him and his dying father. Apparently I’d give a stranger more empathy than I’m giving him.

What can I say? Whatever I say will be twisted. Whatever I say is critical of him. Whatever I say is unsupportive.

In the middle of all this it’s our 21st wedding anniversary. My sister sent me regards. I told her it wasn’t such a “happy” anniversary. She said she’d pray.

While I was away from the family I looked up “negative sentiment override”. I didn’t see anything helpful in the first four pages of a Google search.

I don’t know how to get out from under this burden let alone carry the darned thing!

He threw at me that my behaviour was noted as rude by his colleagues. Of course he turned on his smarm whilst we were in the middle if a hate war. So I’m the enemy.

Hating this and hating myself

Pip

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