The bitter seed

I think that’s where I’m at. I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to change it and it hurts a whole lot.

I’m struggling with not knowing how I feel about hubby. I don’t know if I hate him or love him and as a result my feelings and emotions are all a jumbled mess.

If hubby says something nice I’m confused. If hubby says something I interpret as mean I am hurt.

I watch him tell our kids what he’s doing and I get questioning looks from them as to why he won’t address me.

Yesterday was completely mental in work. I was incommunicado from 0930-1400hrs. When hubby tried to ring around 1230 I had to reject the call (I’m sure he thought I was ignoring him).

The call went to message bank and I didn’t pay any attention to the handful of messages from each of my kids and the waiting voicemail message.

Turned out he was asking me to take him for an iced coffee after 1300. He was of course assuming I both had money and the inclination to spend time with him.

However… I didn’t check my voicemail until after 1800hrs when I’d seen him in the car and when he asked if I got his message didn’t tell me what its content was.

He mumbled something else in the car and when I hadn’t heard him I asked “what?” he didn’t respond. Instead making a face and saying “never mind”.

I think we’re killing each other

Pip