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On being vulnerable

8 January, 2014

Let me set the record straight. I don’t do vulnerable. I’m not sure I’ve done it in years. I’m not sure I know how to do it anymore.

But today I was asked. I was asked how I felt about something hubby said and I cried. I felt sad and in a way, two hours later I am still processing that emotion.

I had a crazy busy day at work today and almost ended up being late for the major part. So not a good start.

Anyway during the morning which went quite well I received buzzes on my phone to say someone was ringing, someone was texting and other noises. Distracting.

First half of the day done and it was time for a coffee and meet up with the eldest and his girlfriend. On a slight aside, I don’t know what it is about this girl that makes me feel like I can tell her anything! She’s great and I love seeing her.

Day over, some minor achievements, work done well and no stuff ups. I’d left hubby in an “off” mood which he wouldn’t tell me the cause of. It was now time to rejoin him and go to our first marriage counselling.

We arrived after more tetchiness from him and over reaction to a slight misdirection by me as to where we were going. He was so distracted he ran over a pedestrian island and then railed at me for sending him wrong!

Always a good start to marriage counselling. We got in and met H for our first time. We talked, hubby possibly more than me as he seemed to need to talk.

Turns out he’d spoken to his estranged parents today as his Dad had been even more ill of late and this seems to be why he was so quiet.

Anyway H took notes and got around to asking us how we felt. I think hubby stumbled less than I did in trying to find the word for the emotion.

Of course when it was my turn to respond I found my eyes watering and hubby hurtfully responding that he felt empty at my tears, he’d seen it all before.

The session wrapped up and there were a couple of key things said…

We were two hurt people.
We were really low down and we weren’t to talk about today’s session in the car on the way home.

So we left and didn’t talk. All I know is feeling vulnerable and having what was described as a wall coming down doesn’t feel too nice.

However, I think it went better than hubby had expected. I let him talk because I think he needs it. I bit my tongue when I felt I could have corrected some of the story. I didn’t jump to my defence too often.

H expects us to take eight sessions. Personally I wonder how we can get a floundering relationship back in the right direction in such a small number.

And then there’s my age old concern thanks to J digging it up for me… Does hubby think I’m worth the effort? And inevitably I have to ask… Is hubby worth my effort?

Is he worth being vulnerable for? Is our relationship worth fighting for? Is our family worth fighting for? Can we actually do this together or is it all going to be too much for us?

Back to it again next week. And in the meantime we just keep on going.

Pip
Sent from my iPhone

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