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The run up to Christmas

20 December, 2013

The brain has gone into overdrive I’ve noticed in the last few days. I’ve had a night tossing and turning until after midnight and I’ve had mornings where I’ve been awake at 5.40am with the brain ticking along at 80 (out of 100) miles an hour.

Early in the week it was me feeling despondent, lonely, subdued and wondering what I was continuing to do in a conflicting relationship. I took someone showing me a tiny bit of empathy and fantasised about it for days, obsessed. And just when I think I’m past another person they pop back up on the radar again.

Hubby did say that he missed our one on one time. I’ve missed it too but wonder why he can’t even give something daily instead of seeming to come home, rant, go and do some weeding, go on his computer in the other room (on Facebook) or sit in the lounge on his laptop doing emails.

We’ve had some nutty days though. Stopping on the way home to get shopping and that gets me home an hour later than normal to throw together a Caesar salad, pesto or burgers. On one evening it was 8.30pm before I got to sit down for the first time!

On Sunday evening I made the mistake of being up when the eldest and his girlfriend were just putting a movie on, Now you see me. Well the middlest and I just got sucked into the plot and ended up staying up later than we ever would have anticipated on a work night!

Hormones seemed to be one reason for the emotional fragility I experienced. I can’t say the middlest would have the same affliction being a boy but we both got exasperated by the youngest boy’s inane chattering all the way home.

This continued the next day with me wholly exhausted and finding my temper a bit shorter than normal. Finally it’s Friday!! My daughter came into work with me with the intention of spending the day with a friend hanging out and then going to youth but by 10am she was feeling, and looking, very peaky.

Along with all of this I have been in an office on my own. I can hear people outside in the corridor but I’m off the beaten track and I’ve missed the interactions at times with the others in the office. Suffice to say I hung around at morning tea chatting and haven’t really done much today to “earn” my pay.

I’m feeling the pressure of pre-Christmas and the usual demands for money as soon as I’m paid with kids saying they need stuff, they want stuff, they want to do stuff and they want to go places. The only times I don’t seem to have those demands are the days when I don’t leave the house on the weekends!

In some ways I’m feeling a different pressure this Christmas to the last few years when I did shift work. I had short work blocks before some time off whereas now I’ve had dayshift for months – just the usual Monday to Friday that so many workers indulge in. It’s a different kind of draining!

When does the shopping get done? When does the house get cleaned? When does the food get cooked? When is there any time for me? My daughter has just had her first week off school and she is already bored beyond belief!

All the little things seem to be stacking up and threatening to overwhelm. It’s like a leaky tap into a bucket. At some point it will overflow unless some of the water is used up or evaporated off. Right now I feel close to the overflow and need to find the way to drain off some excess.

Balance, that’s what’s needed


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