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17 November, 2013

It’s been a while since I’ve written. There’s a couple of reasons for that. One being my naivety of copyright rules (and a grumpy photographer), a busy week at work and a tired head.

So last week I got my first note from Mia (McPherson). She obviously protects her work (justifiably) and does a search to see where it is without her knowledge.

So I apologised. Asked if I should remove her pic. Got in touch with the other photographer that I had got a reference pic from and they graciously said “Sure, just link their website”.

Mia didn’t appear to be as gracious and I didn’t quite know how to deal with her hostility. Yes, I was sincerely apologetic but on the other hand was thinking, “How dare you! Your pic is a reference pic only, a tattoo artist drew what’s on me and you can’t copyright memory!”

I wanted to tell her to read my blog. I wanted to scream, “I have depression, I’m not stable!” Instead I stewed on it. I shut down externally not knowing quite what to do.

In my shutting down though I excluded hubby and sent him off on his own free fall of insecurity, clingyness and major-grumpy pants.

Along with all of this last Monday I went to my GP who thought that upping my Pristiq to 200mg for a couple of weeks might help my sleep improve (I felt increasingly worn out).

I also had a massage and my masseuse concentrated on my tense shoulders and I was still tender and sore until Wednesday.

Thursday rolled around and my team leader was still off work and I’d to prepare work for the next day. When I came over a couple of tricky files though I couldn’t find my mentor to go over them.

So on Friday morning I had started to get a cold sore. Hubby was increasingly fractious and I’d a long Friday ahead of me.

I just wanted Saturday to roll on and hubby to fly out to Adelaide. I wanted days off to relax but Saturday was filled with a grumpy brunch, seeing hubby off, driving home to get the youngest boy out to a party and then thinking I’d get some chill time until I collected him.

Nope. We got cakes in the market, my daughter and I, then we crashed the eldest on a date and killed time just hanging with them until 5.30pm to then be told by the youngest that he’d be another two hours!

Luckily the middlest had got his P’s on Friday and he was sent out for his first solo drive to collect the younger brother.

It’s now Sunday evening, my arms are lightly sunburnt. I’m worn out again. I don’t think the 200mg Pristiq has helped my mood. I feel grumpy. I feel tired. I feel overwhelmed.

It’s back to work tomorrow and three more nights without hubby in the bed next to me. If hubby snoring has me so tired then surely I’d feel a bit better with two good night’s sleep?

On one hand I want to call in sick at work but on the other hand I want to finalise my work from Friday and get good closure.

I want to go to bed early but want to be up for the middlest getting home after being out after dusk. I need to think about lunch at work tomorrow, dinner after work and shopping the bits we need.

This mountain seems insurmountable.

My GP said that the Pristiq would quieten the brain noise. I think I struggle with the quiet and then when I do get noise, (music at work, multitasking, kids, hubby, work, new requests) I just go into meltdown.

I don’t know how to pamper myself. To grasp that time selfishly to myself. But I succumb to the kids coming into work after school and then have my daughter pester me for food as she’s hungry (more stress).

I don’t know what I need!


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