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Feeling fragile

5 November, 2013

This morning was a bit of a struggle to wake and get up. Last night I’d grabbed my stash of Largactil that I had in work and took 75mg to get to sleep. It was a lighter sleep though and all seemed ok.

I decided not to make a coffee this morning as I was extremely low on beans and don’t get paid until after my coffee shop closes for the day (to get my favourite beans) so I wanted to keep my reserve beans for my two evening coffees this evening.

Imagine my surprise then when I was feeling very vulnerable, almost weepy and in a not so happy place then when I sat down to work and scanned my news. By 9.30am I was out the door to get a coffee!

Having had said “manna from heaven” I just carried on with the morning and it disappeared in a flash – the morning as well as the coffee!

After my late lunch then to get my afternoon coffee, again downed faster than usual, my mood picked up and I felt brighter in myself again.

The thing is, the so called experts say that coffee has an effect of a pick me up. While I have never ever found that (I can sleep on caffeine) I am surprised that leaving out the early morning routine of standing at my coffee machine, holding onto my Keep Cup in the car and slowly sipping my home brewed latte is obviously somewhat cathartic to me.

It marks my wakefulness to the day. I still had my meds and my daughter put toast on so I had a slice. It’s not like I dressed and ran out the door and had completely changed things around, but it was a simple little thing that changed.

Whether it was the lack of coffee, caffeine, milk or routine I am bemused to the further feelings of vulnerability that I got. Do I get my confidence, my zip, my zest, from a cup of coffee?! I wouldn’t have thought so.

As for today’s dress, well the weather was supposed to hit the early 20’s (70’s F) so I put on another skirt, singlet and light cardi style jacket. So I look well I think, even with coldsores on my chin and hair that could do with a cut and to be untucked from behind my ear, not vulnerable looking.

Hubby later on in the day sent me through a text saying he was feeling a bit emotional and how he thought I’d laugh at him telling me how much he loved me and thought I was beautiful. Could it be that we are so symbiotic that I could feel his vulnerability? It’s not the first time we have had that kind of experience.

Heading into the Twilight Zone!

Speaking of Twilight Zone I swear twice now on completely unrelated things and I cannot find the explanation at all but I felt that I have read over the same matters at work but if I had done I would have marked them in multiple ways which aren’t done. As a younger girl I did have a lot of déjà vu but nothing like this for years.


Now where’s my coffee?!


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