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The weekend is over

17 October, 2013

Back to home. Back to reality…

We went into the supermarket and the food looked cheap. It put my appetite way off. We ended up buying ingredients for butter chicken and last night we had a simple chicken fricassee.

I think it was just the whole weekend extravaganza of food and then home to what I make for the family. Even going out to the local cafes held somewhat of an anti-climax.

I wanted to tell M & R that I’d had a great weekend with them but then feel shy about actually saying it. Hubby of course had already been in touch with them, gotten an appointment with M’s massage dude, and dropped in to see them.

I went out yesterday morning, after a lie-in, and got my nails done. There wasn’t much chat and I had to wonder about the people, as I usually do, who go into a salon to get their hair done and don’t get their hair washed. It’s not something I’ve been brought up on and seems to be a very poor-Aussie-man’s way to get a hair cut.

After I got my nails done I met up with hubby as I was in his work area. We got a coffee but it was a takeaway only and the wind was blowing wildly. We ended up finding a seat to sit on for a few minutes and he received a shocking call.

He’s been shortlisted for a job he applied for and now has to go through the next process. I thought it was bad news by his face but I am seriously delighted for him and he said he was glad I was there when he received the news.

It’s funny but I notice myself being a lot more positive towards him lately. I can’t put my finger on what it is that has changed but instead of glaring at him for having a glass of wine on the weekend I either joined in or was happy with my coffee or lemon lime bitters.

It was as if the judgemental part of me shut off and I could see easy ways in which to enjoy him or not be a shrew and squash his joy. Whatever it is I wish I could bottle it!

One thing hubby said had been said about me on the weekend was that M & R noticed I opened up by Sunday with them. I think there was mention that it was the wine but I think a lot of the earlier nerves of being away from home and with our friends and prior to the run (mine and hubby’s) had me preoccupied. In fact I didn’t sleep well until after my tattoo was done so that was on my mind a lot too.

What I didn’t realise was that another friend of ours, one who’s run marathons and hubby sees almost daily when he gets his coffee at work, said that my words of encouragement whenever hubby had Map My Run programmed to update his progress was inspiring.

Hubby went on to tell me that he read each of those little messages along the way as he knew it was going to be me cheering him on or commenting. I didn’t even know he’d be reading them as he ran his 4 x 10km runs.

In a way I never understood that me praising hubby would help our relationship bloom again. That’s a pretty dumb realisation to finally be making really but it’s the honest truth,

I guess in my depression the world around me became a cold dark dank place that was only me in my little universe. There was nothing bright around me to see and in some ways I still feel like that with people.

I know that I am afraid to trust people again after being, what I feel as deeply betrayed, but was in fact my own bad judgement and possibly the onset of my depression making me see something in a relationship with friends that I wanted for myself but wasn’t happening.

Hubby tells me he’s proud of my achievement of running 3km. Hubby tells me a colleague spotted him and I out together and they wondered who this amazing looking chick was with him. I shrug my shoulders as I don’t see what others see.

On the weekend M asked me what my stories were, enough of hubby’s, but I didn’t know what to say. What are my stories? Where is my song?

It’s Thursday, I feel that my week off work is almost over and I haven’t done anything with that time. What should one do on a week off work? The weekend was full on busy chatting, laughing and walking. Now the world around me has gone quiet.

I don’t like the quiet but nor can I summon the motivation to get back into the study. In fact what I want to do is have a nap again! I feel like a granny!

We really do have a good life though when I think about it. Our family has our personality clashes but mostly it laughs. Our home while not sterile (by a long shot) is lived in (by 6 cats, 3 dogs, 3 fish and 4 teens). Hubby and I both have well paying jobs. We have two cars, two motorbikes and bills coming out our ears.

We’ve had the toughest two years of our marriage as depression threatened to undermine the foundations of our relationship but thankfully we have weathered other storms that strengthened that foundation and right from the get go it was built on God.

I’m not saying we are out of the woods, not by a long shot but boy it came close to me wanting to escape not just my job, my marriage but my life. Now at least I can see it’s the black dog biting at my heels that is the thing to change, not the foundational pieces.

Events like this weekend just go to strengthen the relationship and not tear it apart.

Sent from my iPad

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