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Facebook “Competition”

26 September, 2013

So my birthday was September 15, a Sunday, hubby cooked me a roast for my 41st birthday, eldest bought me socks (too big mind), daughter made me a little card and 34 friends (out of 508 Facebook friends) said “Happy Birthday”. Texts came from my family a couple of days later and I’d a phone call from my brother.

Ten days pass and hubby turns 44. I nominate him for a birthday cake on our local radio station, eldest buys him some beers and designs him a tattoo. 106 of his Facebook friends (we have 144 mutual friends and I don’t know how many friends he has since he whittled them down) sent him birthday greetings.

I “liked” everyone’s “Happy Birthdays” on my wall. Hubby commented back to everyone. The people I thought were my friends commented on his wall and not on my wall. I even had the nerve to ask hubby if I left Facebook would anyone care.

I see him chipper, enthusiastic, with drive and purpose. I see me flat, couldn’t care less attitude, drag myself out of bed attitude and wonder which of us is doing better at life on anti-depressants. He sure seems to be right now.

Everything I feel I do is passive. It’s directed by someone else. I go to work because that’s what I have to do. I go to work because hubby drives me to work. The only thing I seem to be proactive in is making my lattes.

I get stuck way too easily into the pity party instead of being able to stand up and shake myself off. I can’t seem to “just cheer up”. In fact right now as I type I feel tears well in my eyes. I’m not well. I feel sick of going back to the doctor to say I’m not right (not right in the head).

I’ve had brilliant days on these meds. Really great, high, fun days. I don’t know what I did to get them. They just seemed to fall into my lap so I don’t know how to grab them again.

“D”, who stresses me out, isn’t in work today or tomorrow so I’m not down because he’s putting more stress on me. In fact it’s just the normal workload for a Thursday, some of the pressure is off and we can do other jobs.

I’m thinking that on Saturday I’m getting my nails done. It’s not normally a chatty time when I’m in there. My eldest goes into the supermarket and can get people talking though. He’s so bright and outgoing, like I seemed to be.

I just called our GP to book in and he’s full for the next two days. My attitude? “It doesn’t matter”. I tell hubby I tried to book, he told me to put my name on a waiting list and asked why. When I said “I can’t shake this slump”, he said I’d “been hiding it well”.

That kind of comment makes me wonder am I after a pity party, for people to comment “there there” or is there something seriously wrong with me. Walking with the eldest I can sort of keep up with his pace. I certainly don’t shuffle as I’ve heard depressed people seem to. I walk normally, not paying much attention to what is going on around me as I walk in my own little “Fuck off and leave me alone” cloud.

That’s where I struggle in my own head. Am I depressed or just depressing. Am I a damp squib and missing human interactions because of the depression or am I depressed because I’m missing human interactions?

Seriously the only people who see me are in work and my family. I’ve shut down from church, not from God, just from church. I don’t go out socially for coffees except to meet my son who must seriously wonder about my lack of enthusiasm as he chatters around me.

I’m sick of it! I’m sick of me! I want to go to my coffee shop and just sit (because they have good coffee) but I want to stop where I’m not known and I know my shop won’t bother with me but I don’t even want to make the smiley effort to say “Hi”.

I wonder if others are fed up of me but wonder do they even see me in their lives. Should I even be making the comparisons?

Why bother?!


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