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It’s a worry

13 September, 2013

After kicking back for a bit this evening at home, enjoying a Snack sandwich

It’s a little taste of yummy Irish heaven!!

Anyway, I was sleepy tired but had to collect the kids. I let the dogs in. Disappointing them as I couldn’t bring them and headed out.

I was surprised then when my thoughts took a decidedly dark turn. I thought of the thoughts I’d had earlier today of tricking colleagues into issuing me a firearm. Then to using it.

Tonight I thought of how I might take the firearm and instead go to a remote location where I wouldn’t be found. As I drove I thought that there was too much uncertainty of crashing the car, of jumping off a cliff.

Seriously. What the hell?! Where do these thoughts come from?!

I remember reading a book, Master Potter by Jill Austin and how Beloved had the demons around her giving her thoughts. Could this be what’s going on?

Cos the reality is I have future plans. In October hubby is running a Melbourne marathon and I’m getting a tattoo while we’re there. In April next year we’re going to Paris to both run a marathon (ok, I’m nuts) but on that trip we’ll visit family in Ireland.

I want to motorbike across the US. I want to see more of Australia. I want to travel. I want to do so much. Dying doesn’t compute into that.

So I have short term plans and long term plans and all along that is my study for a Psychology degree. I don’t want to die. So why these pervasive thoughts?

I hate that I can’t just shake them off. I hate that while I think them I am squashed from living life to the fullest, scared to take my motorbike out, scared to return to full duties at work and now, what? Too scared to drive? To be alone?

I hate feeling unstable


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