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Not bugging out just yet

3 September, 2013

I survived work!

This is how my day panned out:
7-8 – wake up. Head out earlier then usual to take youngest boy to orthodontist. Get texts from hubby saying I’m “irrational and disconnected this last week”. Esteem and meltdown grows

8-9 – drop boy back to school after getting to appointment late. Call work to say I’m delayed. Go to where I park not caring if I get a spot but pray anyway. Get a park. Mood very low. Blog my previous entry

9-10 – soak up the sun through the car’s windows. Take my time blogging, resting, regrouping and then head into the office to hear I missed out on one of the girls burning her toast causing the building to be evacuated

10-11 – file work to be done for Thursday. Do we have enough to go ahead? Nope. A bit of a “do I give a damn?” moment as I struggle to concentrate and do a good investigation regardless of mood

11-12 – meeting in preparation for another file. She’s great and neutral. There shouldn’t be any issues.

12-1 – lunchtime. Walk in the sunshine. Cruise some shops for a colleague. Buy a doughnut as a treat. Head back to the office to eat my Caesar salad leftovers from last night. Delish!!

1-2 – try and move some of my own work. Send a couple of emails to get people notified of movements on Thursday. Still feeling a bit low but work is a distraction

2-3 – last fit of work for the day as I have a union meeting to go to shortly. Complete the work on my desk. Complete a compulsory training quiz. Tidy up loose ends

3-4 – a bit of an overlap here with tidying up rather than starting anything new. Then to the meeting and the room gets full real quick. I haven’t seen this many at the meeting in a long time.

4-5 – some angst as colleagues talk about dead weight in the department as one area is spoken of as “the dumping ground”. The meeting runs past my knock off time but I wait. Kids have arrived down stairs and they wait for me

5-6 – the eldest calls. We meet at the supermarket where we buy stuff for dinner. He amazingly carries it to the car and we drop him to his “other home”. Home via the back way. I’m later than normal but not stressed. I watch a rosy sunset in my wing mirror as I drive and watch a motorcycle to my rear. I plan on showering as soon as possible (it’s been a grungy hair day)

I ask the daughter if I’ve been irrational this last week and she says no I’ve been reacting to Dad. I’m so confused. I don’t know which came first, his mood being off or my mood dropping. She says she’s biased though (she’s at the “hate you” stage with him)

6-7 – hubby is cooking a curry so I take the opportunity to shower while its cooking. His rice is underdone but I say nothing. He finishes my bowl of curry and the beagle licks the bowls clean

7-8 – time to unwind with the kids. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram all caught up on. Lunch to prepare and I use up the last baby cos lettuce for tomorrow shared between my daughter and I. Only downside, no bacon. It’s a disaster I tell ya!!

8-9 – daughter joins me in the kitchen and we have a laugh at her incompetent knife and board skills (she kept knocking her half egg off the board – it takes skill). A final coffee made. Some teasing of daughter done. Hubby goes to bed

9-10 – Under the Dome finishes, NCIS LA is on. I’m not fully paying attention. Kids head to bed. More teasing as daughter gets the hiccoughs. She throws cushions at me, I threaten to butt punch her. We pray but no hug.

10-11 – bedtime. My cat sits on my lap for a few minutes then clambers onto couch next to me. He’s all dusty from rolling around outside. “The bear” had wattle flower stuck in his sheep-coat.

Largactil swallowed. “Pocket Rocket” disturbed from his chair. Bear poked to go to bed and hubby has fallen asleep reading his iPad. Brush my hair. Jump into bed. Cat joins us and I blog this entry.

My mood feels brighter now. I’m tired without the meds and am looking forward to a good sleep. Maybe the teasing helped.

My period was due today. I’m definitely not pregnant so don’t have that as a concern but I wonder if I misread my “low day” or if it was later than normal causing this depressed mood. It could explain the mood drop somewhat.

I know I’m not out of the woods by a long shot but tonight is ending, sleep beckons and a new day will dawn. Whether my help has come from God, through prayers from friends after I sent out some maydays, hormones changing or some laughing I don’t care. I am grateful and thankful for what I’ve got.

As I think of my daughter gone to bed I realise I missed out on a hug. She got a bit grumpy with me when I wouldn’t buy her junk food after work. Instead she pinched a banana I’d just bought.

The suicide thoughts have diminished somewhat. Not gone altogether. How can they when I’ve just mentioned it but I’m not planning anything or wishing I’d the guts to do it. Although I was avoiding being on the motorbike for fear I’d do something stupid when I saw the bike behind me after work on a beautiful evening. I am looking forward to riding when the weather is fine.

Nighty night dear ones

Pip

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