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I just don’t care

3 September, 2013

Hubby got frustrated with me this morning. Our youngest boy had an 8am orthodontist appointment. We were supposed to travel in together.

When he asked how we were going to do the actual logistics of this though I froze. Didn’t answer. Couldn’t answer.

I didn’t know how we’d get from orthodontist, to school, to his work, to my work (or vice versa). So he yelled. I went into the bathroom. I came out. He yelled. I yelled. He took the second car.

In the orthodontist he texts me to say “see the doctor”. Apparently hubby is frustrated by my lack of caring. He thinks I’m not thinking of the consequences of spending money as I just did.

So here I now am. Sitting in my car. Blogging. Sun on my shoulder. Late for work. Don’t care.

What am I supposed to say to my GP? I don’t care. How is that a symptom? Could I really go from functioning to non-caring in a week while on meds?

Is it me? Or is it me reacting to those around me? Are those in my life stable and I’m not or are they (hubby) unstable causing me to not cope?

I know this much. I’m down. I don’t care. Things are becoming an effort but I can still make a coffee. I made a Caesar salad for tea last night that the middlest questioned “how long does it take to make a salad?” (It took an hour)

I honestly don’t know how people go from depression to seemingly sunny dispositions. Anyone I’ve seen that says they have, or had depression, laugh and joke, are positive, are motivated.

Me? I’m just in a hole and feel like I can’t ever get free of the vines that keep holding me back.

I have J, my psych, who thought I was doing so well she cut me loose. My GP, well he’d only ever be there at my instigating a phone call. Hubby just seems angry or frustrated with me.

Last night I went to bed on one Largactil (as usual). I had a cat on my lap or in my legs, my cardigan on, dog in the “assumed position” on the pillow on my feet.

I slept for 50 minutes. Woke and moved around. I slept for 50 minutes. Moved cat. I think I noticed the sleep rhythm then and got up. I took another Largactil, took off the cardigan (in case I was too hot under blankets and quilts) and the cat was no longer on me. I slept until my daughter’s unholy alarm pierced the air like an air raid siren.

It’s daytime again…


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