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Dependence

2 September, 2013

The last couple of weeks I’ve watched as hubby dropped into a depressive slump. He wasn’t dealing with a friend’s death well and he persisted in a low mood culminating in his meds being increased and him nearly getting into a fist fight while out for a night (but I’ve blogged about that already).

What I’m questioning now is my own mental health. After being on what seemed to be a high (in comparison to usual) for a short time I found my concentration lapsing by the end of last week. With that slide back down I felt more tired – to the point where I wanted to nap on the weekend (but didn’t).

My concentration is still bad. I have 2 chapters of Introduction to Psychology due to have been done by last Sunday. I managed to make it through 1. On top of that I have chapter 2 to catch up on, 25 pages of questions to fill in and read chapter 3 by this weekend! And my daughter hates me for it.

So I tried to do the study in chunks, some chunks more successfully than others but if you were to ask me what “psychodynamic psychology” was I would have a dumb look on my face as I think “I’ve read the words but have NO idea what they are supposed to mean”.

Even yesterday as I took, retook and retook some more of the ALA’s I wondered at how dumb I was in that I couldn’t remember the answers given on the previous screen in a different order. By the end of it, even with a 100% score I still felt stupid as I looked at the questions and answers again.

I wonder if even one subject on a full time job is too big a work load but it shouldn’t be. I just need to jostle jealous kids and make sure I take time out for some fun with life too – Fun – ha – what’s that?!

After receiving the lecture from hubby every time I saw him over the weekend, getting contemptuous looks from the middlest who then appeared to think being anywhere around me was just too much for him to handle and I don’t know what I did to offend him.

I just wanted to drown under the load. The thoughts of suicide return. The idea to leave returns. I even went as far as to price alternative accommodation. I even thought of a site I could take off to where no-one would find me for a long time.

How fast can a mood dip and how far can it dip in a matter of days? As I sat observing in work this morning my leg was swinging and bouncing up and down in a rhythm. You have to understand, I don’t fidget. The worst I would do is rub my nail as a self-soothing type thing or twiddle my hair. I don’t sit and leg pump.

I only went to observe as I knew concentrating on my usual work would be the most difficult thing to do today. I’m even finding the chit chat from my colleague hard to concentrate on as I retreat into my own head. I’ve had to blog as my only way to try and sort this conflict out.

Hubby isn’t fighting with me. It’s just that he’s worried about lack of money and therefore food and petrol. Our car rego is due as of tomorrow night and we just don’t have the money to register it this pay – this means we have to run our more expensive 4WD – taking more of our valuable food money.

But it won’t be hubby that comes up with tasty filling meals. It’ll be me in my limited resources trying to do that and being criticised for my efforts.

Even if I were to suicide, escape, run away – with no money and no insurance with which to help the family out. No way out. Weight just increasing and darkness crowding in. Work load not being managed and I have files sitting on my desk that I am just not getting to.

Right. On with the day. Enough of the pity party

Pip

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