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Self loathing

31 August, 2013

But why hate myself when I feel like I get enough contempt from the middlest and the hubby?

Ok, I spent money. I changed my flight. I paid my tattoo deposit. I bought the middlest a couple of jumpers. None of which fed the family.

So I saw hubby before work yesterday. He went on about money. I saw hubby after work. He went on about money in front of the kids. I saw hubby this morning. He went on about money.

I came home after having a lovely catch up with a friend. I got some weird clingy look and a hug. Then followed around by him in the garden.

Next I saw of him he again railed about money in front of the kids. I told him I hated being around him and he stood. I told him to bugger off to bed as he does. He said he didn’t want to be near me either and went into his computer.

The assumed position

He’s spent his time on his desktop. Now he’s gone to bed with his laptop. On one hand I hate him. I feel angry but most of all I just feel empty.

If I’d money I’d run away. Go stay somewhere super cheap and disappear for a few days. But by the time pay day rolls around again my resolve will be gone.

Thing is that my spending is all out of whack. I have no care for having a budget. For paying our bills. I hate saying no to the kids when they’re hungry.

So I buy them some food while we wait for hubby to collect us – usually junky fast food (a cheap snack). 45 minutes is a long time to just hang around doing nothing.

Hubby had some cockamamie idea to “buy as we go” but that just ends up with the kids saying we’ve no food to eat.

I’m tired…

During my time out this morning my friend was saying how much my hubby sounded like he had Asperger’s syndrome to some degree (her son and a friend has it).

All I know is I have lived with his oppression for so long I can’t cope anymore. I’m burnt out. I’m lonely. I’m empty.

My life is a mess.


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