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Consciously incompetent

1 August, 2013

My trainer is showing immense patience and I don’t know what he thinks of my blank faced responses. I feel dumb. He asks me a question and I wrack my brain for some knowledge that maybe I should be aware of something and come up blank.

One job had something on it but when we looked into it in more detail the dates didn’t tally up to make that comment relevant. I feel bad that I didn’t realise to have spotted that myself.

In an effort to abbreviate (why is that such a long word for what it means?) something, I had changed its meaning completely and in doing so made it much more serious than it really was.

Tomorrow I have to talk about some of these things and just hope I am not out of my depth in doing this role.

Today we had a meeting on Equity and Diversity, about bullying in the workplace and I was reminded of the threat of a breach for having my kids in the workplace when they shouldn’t have been. I still don’t know if that complaint is being brought forward against me.

I just have so much rattling around in my head at the moment I don’t know which way is up.

We invited a couple around for dinner on Saturday evening and they said yes, but one of them didn’t eat grains including rice.

Now I’ve to wrack my brains for what should be a simple task of cooking dinner but I just feel like everything I come up with is sub-standard. So it gets put into the too hard basket and instead hubby gets cranky because I don’t want to think about it right now.

My daughter is still at home having only been able to stand 2 hours of school yesterday before crying lame and having me collect her to spend the afternoon in the office being bored. Unfortunately her big brother is also home with her and his contempt for her headache is blatant as he cranked up the music when she asked him to turn it down.

So she avoids the kitchen and keeping hydrated making the headache potentially worse or she goes into the room where the music thumping makes her head pound more. And I’m sitting in work helpless. He’s no respect for us and a text would not be attended to. Very frustrating.

I already feel useless in the inability to do nothing for her and the pain she’s in. Tomorrow there is no chance that I can leave work as it’s meetings in the morning and afternoon and I have to learn to ‘do’ my current role by practicing it.

Hubby and I have such differing ways of parenting – he comes across as unfeeling and hard when he is actually concerned and I come across as concerned but unable to do anything. He’s the hard parent and I’m the more compliant (in some ways). I can certainly empathise with her and her pain.

Hope I sleep tonight. I get the impression the brain is going into overload and will buzz if left unchecked. Might have to up the meds to ensure rest but hate having to rely on them – the consequence of sleeplessness though is a foggy head in the morning.

Too many variables!!


2 Comments leave one →
  1. Kim permalink
    4 August, 2013 13:16

    just been reading some of your most recent posts and just wanted to let you know how well you write and that you are not alone in this world. Keep writing and all the best on this crazy journey. Mainly wanted to let you know someone is reading, I came from FMS where I saw your blog in the comments.

    • 4 August, 2013 14:42

      Thanks Kim. I really appreciate your kind words. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is out there but ultimately it’s a blog for me and if others can watch as I struggle with things and just do life then I hope it also helps

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