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Tears (* swearing disclaimer)

23 July, 2013

I cried last night when I was making a coffee. Feeling like saying “Fuck my life”.

Then I think of others who have it worse and is the “reality” of my life really that bad?

Then last night I know my mood is way out of kilter. I have that distracted “Fuck off” sign flashing.

Hubby keeps asking what’s wrong. As if I even know myself! I just know I’m in emotional pain and not seeing a way out.

This morning in a last minute arrangement J squeezed me in to have a chat. I’d been doing ok. Now, not so much.

So much so that I got emotional with her and cried. I don’t do that!! I don’t lose control!! I have to protect myself. No one else will.

That’s one thing that I’ve been thinking of the last few days. I don’t know if I’d written it here yet.

I don’t trust hubby to protect me, our daughter, my heart. He says he’d die for me (as he said in our early days) but is that a form of protection?

Would I accept any protection that was offered to me or expect a catch of some kind? Can I ever let my guard down?

On the way into town in the car today I was just thinking “fuck, shit, bollocks!” I hate this hole.

I was clock watching this morning before heading out. I put a chunk of pork in the oven to “slow cook”. It’ll probably be rubbish.

The eldest is home sniffing and coughing and I didn’t even care that he was on the ps2.

The grey clouds are gone with blue skies but I’m no brighter.

J asked me what I’d been doing to be “kind to me”. She paused and did something else while I thought.

Wow, where those thoughts went… “If I reward with food I’ll get fat”. I already feel fat (even though I’m the lightest in ages).

But the damning thought… “I don’t deservekind“”.

I have sunglasses on to hide my red eyes. They feel red. They might not be.

I’m waiting for my daughter with a coffee and my music playing. It’s helping.

I need more of my music



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