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He’s home

9 July, 2013

On Thursday morning I put hubby on a plane to Brisbane to run his first marathon on Sunday. Peace reigned as I finished work and headed home.

At work on Friday I tuned into Hillsong Conference live streaming and soaked in the atmosphere wishing I was there as I should have been.

Friday finished and I had a week off work ahead. Daughter still had her tension headache and an acupuncture appointment was made for Tuesday (if she still needed it).

It was a relaxing weekend with movie marathons, washing up done, no time constraints and I enjoyed time with the kids.

Sunday afternoon I’d to take the eldest to do carpark duty at church. I didn’t want to go as it was the Watoto kids choir.

I didn’t think I could deal with the immense crowd expected. I’d heard their (painful) stories before. I cringed at their incredible amount of energy they exude as they sing and dance with huge smiles on their faces.

As it turned out I was captivated and for their young age they seemed to be so trusting of strangers offering hugs and posing for photos like celebrities.

Monday turned into a nice slow morning. I slept until 8.40am and relished snuggling under my covers when normally I’d have to wake for work.

At lunchtime I ran the eldest into work. Stopped for coffee and hot chocolates with the kids. Spent money and headed home.

Eventually it was time to leave for the airport to collect hubby. He’d been in touch minimally (“goodnight” texts) and a brief call after his marathon.

The middlest (the learner), the kids and I headed to the airport. I later heard hubby describe himself as being “shoe horned into the back of the car”, “Why did you bring the kids?”

He cautioned the middlest from the back seat to give way to another car and it went downhill from there. Another criticism from the back when a curve was taken a bit abruptly.

When the middlest then tried to avoid doing a kitchen task he’d avoided all day there were shouts traded by the men and hubby stormed off un-respected and the middlest unrepentant.

I got up to bed much later and hubby is gently (or not) snoring. There goes my sleep. I had an unsettled night as a result and an early start to take the boys to the orthodontist appointment.

I made it home after discovering hubby had arranged a coffee crawl with friends this morning to discover our dogs had polished off 8 remaining Krispy Kremes (I didn’t need the calories really).

It caused another round of yelling though and I didn’t want to go out with hubby to schmooz with friends while not talking to me.

I was surprised with hubby’s honesty with them but less than impressed with his continued hostility towards me in the car on the way into town just prior to meeting them and while we waited in the cafe.

Thankfully our friends are bubbly and unfazed by my silence and we made it through three coffee shops with a disappointing coffee and hot chocolate in the mix.

I made a hair appointment after the coffees and hubby waited in the car. Tasks done it was time to head home.

Silence in the car reigned and even when I said “So are you going to tell me about your weekend?” The response was “I didn’t think you were interested” and more silence.

At home I got out of the car and hubby remained in it for a few minutes. I think he was sorry he’d come home. I think I was sorry he’d come home.

Then my daughter jibed me and my thoughts went to Brené Brown’s book I’m currently reading on shame and how I was struggling to not feel shame but I was sad. Disappointed even.

All weekend I’d had a brooding feeling about wanting to blog but not knowing about what.

The feeling I had was as if I had been away at the conference (even for one night and day), had a mountain top experience and then returned to earth with a bump.

What a bump it was with hubby’s return. All we’ve managed was a quick peck on the lips, a congratulatory hug and then hostility.

Having him back I feel like less of myself. I feel like happiness and banter with kids is unwelcomed.

Just now he’s wordlessly thrown his finishers tshirt and medal at me.

I’m empty. I’m sad. I’m alone except for my kids.

Thankful for cuddly kids and snugly pets.

Pip

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