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I’m turned off because…

27 June, 2013

Last night as a family (minus one) we went out to the cinema. After I’d finished work I had the kids with me (the younger two – not so much kids now though). I’d to buy my daughter a pair of school shoes, grab some tea in Subway (our preference) and then go and get collected by hubby.

This was all good. My level headed 14 year old boy was dragging me past items I was appreciating saying I couldn’t buy it – he doesn’t appreciate the art of “window shopping”. We were relaxed in our catch up and chatting back and forth.

Hubby arrives and we drive to the cinema and meet up with the middlest. Again, not a problem. Hubby remains in the car while we go to the supermarket to buy snacks and then he joins us as we go in for the movie.

Due to him not coming into the supermarket he had just given a request for his snacks as a Cadbury Mousse bar and a drink. I went in and saw some new flavours of the Mousse bar, raspberry chocolate and chose that. The youngest boy (prudent) said he’d share his drink with his dad so we just pooled our resources.

Into the cinema, get our seats after bypassing my preferred row due to popcorn all over the seats and the goodies get dished out. We were early so there was no-one in there besides us (I think). Hubby pulls out his Mousse bar and what happens next leaves me incredulous.

Hubby has a look of disgust as if I’d bought him poison and snaps at me “Have you ever seen me buy this?” “No, I thought you might like it” Then he shouts at me that “I can’t eat that!” You know, now I can’t remember his exact words but the venom that spewed out of his mouth just briefly was horrible.

His justification? Apparently I had been a bitch to him for 2 days. I had been home sick and resentful that he couldn’t keep his promise to clean up. Resentful? No. Disappointed? Yes.

The movie hadn’t started yet. I considered leaving and getting a refund but why should I punish myself when I wasn’t sitting next to him and didn’t have to talk to him. Inside I was cut though and deeply hurt by his outburst.

It hurt more as he laughed through the movie as if nothing happened. Movie over we go to the car and he decides to let the middlest drive home. He is co-driver (instructor) and I sit in the back with the kids as I watch him place his phone in his lap and he barely looked up on the whole trip home. It’s just as well the middlest is a competent driver on the road and there were no surprises.

Our possum was on our deck so I took the time out to feed her, shower and shortly after we got home hubby takes himself off to bed and I don’t see him. I’m down with my daughter watching some tv relaxing.

Morning and all is ok. Hubby is bright, laughing and bubbly as he speaks with a news team for work and we head into work. We don’t talk (as is normal in the mornings anyway) and I am co-driver/instructor for the middlest. I’m the last drop. Peck on the lips and I leave the car to get on with my day.

A TED talk selection that I play is talking about sex and orgasm. I’m toying with turning it off as I’m in the workplace and maybe it’s not appropriate, but it’s intelligently done and suddenly my ears pick up.

Esther Perel is talking about desire in long term relationships. She explored a couple of things but amongst them were; “When do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?

“Needing” is a shut down – anything that brings up parenthood shuts down desire.

“I shut myself off when…” and the responses: I feel dead inside, when I feel old, when I don’t have a chance to check in with you, when I don’t have the right to receive pleasure

It made me pause (and actually go back to hear it again). There is so much undesire for hubby. Evidence of a large spike and damage is last night in the cinema. Evidence that causes it to grow is his unapologetic behaviour, his lack of trying to regain foothold in “us”.

Is it any wonder why I feel alone?


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