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17 June, 2013

Compunction: A feeling of guilt or moral scruple that follows the doing of something bad

A pricking of conscience

This morning I have to sift through so much stuff emotionally.

I didn’t go bed overly late last night and had my usual routine, nothing changed. 3am arrived and I was wide awake and unusually, needing to go to the loo. Of course now that I’m up our retriever came into me and he wanted to go out to the loo.

A short while later he was barking at the door to come back in – softie. While I was calling him in two cats went out. After giving up on getting back to sleep at 4am I got up, went downstairs, heated up some milk and tried to read some more Inferno. After using up all of my lives in Candy Crush I finally started to read.

About a half hour later I went back to bed and managed to get back to sleep. Now of course I was aware of the dryer beeping its finish and a cat meowing somewhere. None of which I got back up for and I couldn’t pin point if anything was worrying me.

Finally woken up by my alarm going off and it was a hassle to get up. I considered not going into work today so I could rest but it’s not like work is a high demand and it would help me get back into my normal routine for a good sleep tonight.

The eldest was told he’d to get the bus into work this morning as we were a seat short in the car. As I sat in the back of the car with my coffee in hand, middlest driving, hubby supposed to be instructing (not that he needs much now), I didn’t need to concentrate on anything.

I started to get irate texts from the eldest saying he had now run out of money because the bus fare was more expensive than he’d expected. Then he railed that the middlest should have got the bus or he/hubby should have ridden the motorbike, or even I should have!

So I felt sad, bad and down as a result of his rage. When we dropped the kids off to school there was a change of driver and instead of me moving to the front seat I stayed where I was in the back and let the middlest have the front passenger seat while hubby drove to his drop off point.

After the middlest was dropped and we’d driven on a bit hubby then decided to challenge me as to what I had done yesterday. Had I just stayed on the couch all day and only made dinner? Wow. Did I feel like I’d been kicked! (As it turns out he was having a dig at my newest addiction to Candy Crush)

Now as I sit here in work the first thing I did was jump on eBay looking up trench coats to buy. Why? Haven’t I bought enough over the last week for my new work wardrobe?! But in my sexy boots (with a heel), my black trench coat and my shattered ego I strode into work thinking I needed another trench coat.

Then I had to reflect, as I have TED talks playing in the background as I work, what was it that seemed to be driving me to spend money to improve the mood? As it turned out I didn’t buy anything but the compunction is still there – that guilty, dare I say it, pleasure.

I don’t have to feel guilty about spending money I don’t have on this occasion as I was gifted it but my daughter exclaims when another eBay notification comes up and goes to shut my phone off so I don’t spend more.

This week the parcels will begin to gather in my mailbox and in the post office. Hubby will wonder where I got all the money from to purchase these things. I love getting parcels in the mail though. They are so much more exciting than bills which I hate and leave unopened as tolling a death knoll.

Sure there is that euphoric feeling to have won the item that you’re after. In fact on items I was really keen on I was waiting until the last minute to throw my bid on having had others do the same to me in the past.

I think last night it caused me to pay over the odds for a pair of trousers but I know these trousers and I wanted another pair so I can swap and change regularly with just a subtle change in the pin stripe throughout the week.

Although now I’ve got this smart business like wardrobe for work I have to wonder what I will have as my casual attire. So does that mean I have to spend more money designing a wardrobe for casual wear now too?

I did think I should just bite the bullet and sell some of my wardrobe that has either been purchased and never worn or purchased and I grew too skinny to wear. So I think I’ll try and get on top of that this week by hanging out clothes for sale on a rack I have.

At the very least it may give me more money to spend a little more on some new motorbike gear. That’s my aim! Hopefully selling will give me just as much of a thrill as the buying did – although I’m freaking out at the idea of sorting out postage costs at the moment. Surely it can’t be that hard?

So as I ponder these things I wonder am I still in a hormone slump, a sleep deprived brain, hungry, bored or just feeling lazy. I don’t have the answers but hope the day gets better.

I should note that it’s a very grey day out with fine misty rain falling in showers. No matter how I try to get the day brighter it won’t happen today or possibly even, this week. However the weather gods have foiled that thinking too with clouds parting for a bit of sunshine and blue sky appearing above me briefly.

I’ll just shut up now!


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