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Trust issues

21 May, 2013

I got called into the boss’ office this morning with my immediate supervisor over a breach I had made after being told not to do it again.

My problem? Not being able to say “No” to my daughter in particular about her coming into my immediate workplace. So yes, what I did in allowing my kids enter the main room where I work with others was wrong and I’ll cop that on the chin.

What I have an issue with is I suppose that my colleagues had either encouraged me to let the kids join us in this workplace (yes, I should have stood up to that too) or had not objected or made mention of a supposed mess of papers or chairs they might have left behind.

So someone in my office (of which there are a handful left at the end of the day) has snitched and told tales. Whether they were innocently talking to a supervisor, answering a direct question in response to something done in the office or something said in passing.

Of particular note would be that a private conversation was mentioned that was obviously felt I didn’t protect my kids from. From my recollection nothing was said within their hearing.

Now maybe the concern about my kids in the office is genuine but it is getting me into serious trouble with my supervisors and being marked on my in service documents – thereby making me out to be a trouble maker and not someone who will follow rules well – tarring my record (which has already got so many black marks from my depression).

Where the public servants get a slap for going against the rules the action taken about me doing this could be so much worse.

I know I’m wrong. I’m crying “Unfair!” when it’s my own fault. How dumb can I have been in not just doing the right thing and allowing a 12 year old who just wanted my company sway this grown adult in her resolve.

Truth be told I just wanted the company of my kids too. I’d had a shitty day yesterday emotionally – which I can only assume is the hormone drop and I like having my kids around me.

On the way home yesterday I managed to kill my car’s clutch too and had to be towed home (my youngest boy remaining with me for company).

It just feels like instead of pressure finally being released it just gets added to just a little bit more.

Having a lack of trust in colleagues just adds to the strain of depression and PTSD. I don’t know that they have my back. I don’t know that I can rely on them in a pinch. It just adds a nasty taste in the mouth… A cloud of potential resentment…

At the end of the few minutes in with the boss she was very clear with me that I shouldn’t let this bother me and to talk to J about it if I was bothered by it. Instead I’ve run to my blog to get my feelings out – who can I talk to in here now?!

Hubby would be furious with my daughter for putting me in this uncomfortable position in the first place – mis-directing his frustration with me being too soft to take a stand and say “No” more firmly.

I think I’m more disappointed in myself

Pip

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