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Self doubt and sabotage

22 April, 2013

After my wakefulness until midnight last night I woke this morning to my alarm at 7.30am and my big cat lying on my bladder watching me.

I got up to make a coffee and procrastinated like a pro about getting in the shower. All through my head was the lack of pleasure at feeling clean, hair and skin fresh and just enjoying the hot water.

So we left the house late. I dropped the eldest off in town and was late knowing I’d miss the walkers starting out on the walk by a few minutes. Lucky it’s a circuit route though and my daughter and I headed in the reverse direction to meet the girls head on.

Imagine my dismay then when I saw two of the girls walking towards me about a quarter of the way around and they barely stopped to say hi as they strode on.

I thought they were friends :o( Couldn’t they have greeted me better? It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen them. But no, they aren’t the touchy feeling girls.

My daughter wanted to go to the local dog pound so instead of finishing the walk we turned around and left without saying goodbye. Why go over to possibly be shrugged off again?

We got to the pound and were turned away at the door. It wasn’t open for another 20 minutes. We left rather than wait. Another “rejection”.

I have a doctors appointment at 10.30 so now with 45 minutes to kill we went to the village and I was going to get hot drinks. Another rejection – the coffee shop was closed until 10.

Then my logic said I was going to coffee and catch up with friends who’ve just returned from Europe and the Paris marathon. I only had money for one round of hot drinks.

Time wasted in the news agency, bookshop and then we gave up and just went to the surgery where I am now blogging and waiting for my lovely doctor who always seems to run late no matter how early you book!

I know my headspace is negative. I’m wearing my daggy grey tracksuit again which does nothing for my self esteem.

I feel like I’m in a fog, waiting for the sun to burn off the morning mists as it did this morning. I wish I knew this emotional and mental fog would lift but when you’re in the fog it just seems to persist.

I wish I could enjoy the head fog as much as I enjoy a morning mist.

Looking for a brighter day

Pip

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