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A couple of things

20 April, 2013

It’s Saturday, coming up to 3pm, I’m drained. I’ve been out for brunch with friends and hubby, walked around a mini market and come home. All that after a solid night’s sleep I think, although I was aware of dreaming so maybe not as solid as I thought.

Over the last few days I’ve had blog ideas, notes I wanted to make but didn’t have the time to do on the fly and I’ve subsequently forgotten my ideas – Welcome to my fuzzy world! I did manage to make a couple of bullet points on my phone so I hope to dig them out just a little.

One question that came to mind is where my mood had been going while on my cocktail of Lexapro and Edronax. I’d been on the maximum daily dose of Edronax, 10mg a day, and had been bumped from 20mg Lexapro daily to 40mg daily.

What did I notice? My mood dropped into my boots after the few days of taking Lexapro. Monday morning I was having a very grey day. It was a morning of scattered cloud with blue sky for my walk but I felt as drab as the tracksuit I was wearing.

As I’ve mentioned I saw my GP that day and had my meds changed. Cold turkey Tuesday and then my first dose of Pristiq at 100mg. Tuesday my mood was fine, even, not low or high. I had the company of my daughter and we just chilled watching movies (and I pulled my back). Wednesday was another day of looking after my back and nursing those god-awful cramps (which thankfully haven’t repeated since).

Thursday I went into town early and chilled with my eldest over coffee. My mood was lifting and I found myself engaging, laughing and smiling. It certainly wasn’t a “grey day” and even my session with J, she said my “affect was much brighter”. All except for the sore back I did feel really good.

Friday, I really fancied a doughnut. There is a village about 30km from home that makes good jam doughnuts and I pondered going that far as I went to collect the kids after school. I decided to make the trip and get a treat. For the first time in ages I didn’t feel like going out of my way was a chore.

I got my doughnuts, some black forest cake and sat in the car getting jam and sugar all over my face as I enjoyed my doughnut. Then it was time to meet the kids and check that my daughter’s headaches weren’t caused by her need for glasses or poor eye health.

Given the all clear we went into town so I could buy cinema tickets. Again, a somewhat spur of the moment decision to something I saw on a friend’s Facebook page and was emailed about – Trade of Innocents – a movie about human trafficking and the sex trade industry in Cambodia.

I watched the movie and thought how hard it must be for a foreigner to make a difference in a culture where they don’t honour a life in the same way and how different other cultures think. It is difficult to watch how actors portrayed such hatred and inhumanity and yet in reality there are people who really do act deplorably.

It probably didn’t help me that I’d watched The Whistleblower that morning – another movie about human sex trade trafficking, this time in Bosnia Herzegovina by UN and other contractors. Again, such hatred and disdain for another life.

Then there’s my thinking of “What can I do?” and feeling rather helpless in the whole scheme of things as a woman. Wanting to help the women (and men/boys) trapped in this horror life but also how to rehabilitate them successfully rather than see them return to the lifestyle they know because they haven’t been shown anything better.

Anyway, I understand this is not in my immediate future for me to deal with so I will try and focus on recovering myself than stretching myself so thin that I am ineffectual for anything. It is something that is close to my heart and close to many of my friend’s hearts.

It was a rather late finish (for me) and then nip across into town to collect the kids from youth, having dropped them off on a cold, dark and wet night earlier than usual hoping someone would be able to let them inside.

I got in the car and didn’t want the distraction of the radio, nor was I looking forward to the chattering of the kids or my drunk hubby after him having a night out with the boys. Back home to a roaring fire and the dogs all home.

I know I’m over-exaggerating hubby’s drunkenness, he was stupidly chatty was all but my brain was awfully distracted by the movie. I didn’t want to escape the horrible reality that there were/are little girls, younger than my daughter, that men want (need) in their warped deprivation for belonging. Yet neither did I want to remain in the harsh realities away from my family.

A short while after getting home I headed to bed, tired and Largactil onboard. I was quickly asleep but as I said, aware of my dreams, aware of being able to direct my dreams, aware of hubby moving my hand.

Dawn broke and it was morning. We were going out to breakfast with friends and hubby wasn’t getting up. I asked him was he getting up and I’d get a response of “I suppose” but he’d continue to lie there waiting for me to get up first. I guess I started to feel ticked off at that.

Then our daughter came into our room, the dogs came in, the cats came in and hubby was getting a bit more fractious. It was as if he’d say he was doing one thing but would do another. My mood began to slip further when we got in the car and the eldest was texting me about getting him home later.

Another thing hubby was getting grumpy at, me on the phone but if I was driving it would have been ok for him to be on the phone. Brunch was good though but by the end of it I was just lost in my thoughts.

I had missed out on my photoaday picture from yesterday – a button – how hard could it be for pity’s sake!? And today’s – “What’s on your mind”? Negative thinking: I don’t want to be bothered. I don’t want to put any effort into anything. I can’t deal with other people’s grumpiness. No, I don’t want to intimate. Yes, I will make an effort and cook dinner. No, I don’t want to play Monopoly. Go away and leave me alone!

Where do these thoughts come from when yesterday and Thursday I’d been pro-active, enthusiastic even, willing to go out of my way for a small reward? How can the mood swing and change so much with what seemed such little interaction.

I don’t understand it. I don’t like the negative, angry me that I am. Then I look at my period tracker to double check my dates – ah, maybe it’s hormonal.

Maybe it’s no more than that – testosterone peaking, GRRR, fight me somebody! Lol

God, I hate hormones!


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