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A week off

14 April, 2013

I’ve been off work for the last week with my meds changing and complete lack of concentration ability. In that time I’ve had migraine headaches myself and then my daughter off school with migraine headaches.

In that week I’ve watched Doctor Who, House, studied and got bored but unable to do much else productive. My concentration doesn’t seem to have improved in the slightest and I also got a cold sore.

I did stick with a couple of appointments I had during the week though. I had the joy of getting the flu vac followed by a session with J. That went well though and in a way mapped out in my own mind how making small goals got me through the worst of the slump and we also worked out how I might be able to put a high point into my day or week.

So work changes. Every four weeks I earn 8 hours TOIL (time off in lieu). Initially I thought to take a half day every second week but then wondered what I would do with that time that would make me feel in anyway productive or fulfilled. Instead I’m taking two hours on a Monday morning which will allow me go for a walk with my old Weight Watcher girlfriends and still allow time for a coffee before work.

That’s the plan for the near future anyway. As I said to J I’ve felt flat for months, below average with no sparks of joy or enthusiasm. I’d like to get that enthusiasm back and for hubby to stop trying to find a “fix” to my life.

Even with this week off I’ve been wanting to sleep in and have been unable to. I’m waking at 7, or thereabouts, every morning. On Saturday my daughter and I went on a motorbike ride as support rider in a 100km cycling event that the middlest boy usually takes part in. I think I got my energy for the day in the jam doughnuts and banana I ate!

I haven’t been eating well while I’ve been home. I’ve had lattes, tiny serves of cornflakes to help with my morning fistful of supplements and meds and an evening meal of pigeon sized portions. It’s no wonder my energy is lacking but I just don’t seem to be hungry or I feel satisfied from very little.

Absolutely nothing shifted the headaches when they were there. At one stage I was out driving, did a head check over my shoulder and my head pounded when I turned it back. Normally when I’ve had a headache Nurofen has gotten rid of it, but even codeine was barely making an impact this time around. It wasn’t fun. Nor was my week off work a fun week.

I feel shattered now, 2pm on a Sunday when I’ve done nothing physical, just hanging with the kids. I have a book I really want to read and when I pick it up it it’s great but I can’t sustain it for long. I even went to bed last night at 9pm and I’ve noticed that taking 100mg Chlorpromazine has made me feel like the room is spinning when I walk down the hallway to head to bed.

So my physiological symptoms of stress – my body understands more than my brain does. My GP put down my “indigestion” (constant belching after eating) to stress rather than meds or anything else. This is new for me. I’ve never had a reaction like this before. The coldsore is another sign (the one I could trust) that I was stressed beyond what the lysine could cope with. As I said to J – do I call in sick from work because I have a coldsore?! Maybe it’s something I need to think about on this journey in depression.

On Friday my friend C came over for our prayer time. One thing I found interesting was that she was praying for healing and then specifically prayed for healing for the depression. I at once felt a check in my spirit which I found interesting. It was like I thought “hang on a second, that will mean giving up where I’m at”.

Why I found it so interesting though was how I wondered what has depression brought me and taught me. Was I actually willing to give up the lack of enthusiasm and drive to be more outgoing, to be more “selfish” and have “me-time”? Would giving up depression make me a different person? I was just getting used to accepting who I was IN the depression, taking the tablets each morning, lunchtime and evening. I was getting used to being limited in work and working in the mundane 9-5.

I’d forgotten how I used to be when I had passion about things. I’ve forgotten how I would light up and my brain would literally ping with enthusiasm, ideas, creativity and I had a permanent cheeky grin on my face. Now my energy is short lived and I watch my eldest boy ping like I used to with energy and life.

Right now I have to fight against my 24 hour notice rule about going to church. Right now I want to go to bed but know sleep won’t come (the meds don’t allow for naps). Right now I’d like my son to break his drumsticks so we have some peace again (this is his second hour drumming). Right now I’d like my bottom lip to not sting where the coldsore has reverted to the shiny dry sore that hangs around for days and ruins photographs (not that I’m in many these days). Right now I’d like my eyes not to sting in their telltale “I’m tired” way. Right now I don’t want to have to go out of my comfortzone in the morning and see my old friends again (I have fears I won’t be welcome).

Back to doing one step forward

Pip

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