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Core beliefs

26 March, 2013

Yesterday I purposefully left my phone on my bedside locker to ensure I went back to my room to do a few things before leaving for work. I was back in my room alright but forgot to grab my phone off the charger and realised it when the middlest had hit the main road on the way into work.

Strangely enough the day passed without major incident and other than missing Facebook updates (which I don’t tend to read (much)) I had everything else I needed at my desk computer (email, Twitter (as a distraction), and pre-arranged with my daughter that she was coming in following school).

Hubby and I haven’t spoken much since Sunday when he was in a self confessed bad mood and I half expected a text from him or calls during the day getting more and more of a tirade at me not responding to him (as he’s done in the past).

I’m obviously persona non grata though and there was no communication from him. Instead some missed calls and when I returned one to a friend an announcement about hubby and motorbike on Facebook. It was 7pm, hubby wasn’t home and I hadn’t checked Facebook all day. Hubby is not a “hot update” so I don’t see when he posts his updates unless I see it down the wall.

Imagine my surprise then when I read his status update of over 8 hours ago where he’s written he came off the bike at a junction and needed help from a stranger to lift the bike off him. Apparently he came off with bruises and grazes (thanks to concerned friends asking).

How do I feel about this little snippet of news? I’ll try and use J’s ABC technique to unpack it (and of course with all things brain-wise it doesn’t go in order of A B C, but instead goes A C B:

Activating event:

Hubby fell off the bike and posted it on Facebook and didn’t tell me

Consequences (Feelings and actions):

“Serves him right”

Apathy (90/100)

Empty

Sarcastic response that it was nice to let me know (my daughter wouldn’t let me say that on his Facebook status as a comment)

Beliefs (thoughts):

Here’s a “thought discovery question” – What am I concluding about myself or others in this situation?:

He doesn’t care about me (90/100)

What does that mean?

This is harder than it looks to unpack

He doesn’t mean it when he says “I love you”

What does that mean?

I’m not loved by him

What does that mean?

That I’m not worth the effort

What does that mean?

That I’m just a burden

What does that mean?

I’m not wanted (core belief)

Well I’ve gotten that far and I guess it brings back feelings of being a kid. However I have work to get on with and don’t want to deal with that right now. – See distraction therapy – It’s like when you get a massage and the muscles fire like mad – you just hold for a time and then release letting the muscle know you mean no harm.

Maybe it’s easier to feel like I’m not wanted in all things than to feel like I am and feel like a part of life around me. Could that one root be the cause of my depression? Did I stress so much over feeling unwanted that this backfired on me completely?

Moving on… hubby still didn’t talk to me this morning on our drive into work and I didn’t feel I could open up the conversation without feeling my tone of voice would have been cutting and do more damage to things, so instead I stayed silent holding my coffee. But I’m not angry, not hugely disappointed – kind of empty.

But am I unwanted?

Pip

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