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20 March, 2013

So I’m still nervy and jumpy. I was doing some filing and I was standing at the doorway to the hall. Suddenly a colleague was at the door and said my name and I jumped. It seemed to be all a simultaneous action – seeing him and hearing my name. Later a colleague was just standing in the filing room saying nothing and I didn’t startle.

This isn’t the first time (I’ve blogged about it before) and the kids are noticing it in me when we are watching something on the tv that I will jump at sudden noises or dramatic camera moves where the picture changes completely rather than a pan or a fade shot.

Hubby called me yesterday while I was working and again said to me that I should pick a date as a goal to go back to my other (real job) duties. He didn’t like it when I told him to back off (again) and told him to stop putting pressure on me – it’s enough I’m seeing the psych and prayer partner for now and working 9-5 5 days a week when there are days I’d rather go back to bed. I don’t need the added pressure that I might be going back to shift work by blah date and need to be “better” by then. It saddens me that he just doesn’t show any understanding of my depression.

I guess what I feel is that if I’m still nervy then how can I go back to the shift work and “real job” where I need to have my wits about me for myself and my offsider. How is that responsible of me, my supervisors and management? I told hubby he wasn’t a therapist (of any kind) and to butt out.

It would have been all too easy for me to bail on work today with my daughter now barking like a seal with a bad throat and no-one else to have to get out to school. She didn’t feel like school – I have found out that it’s largely down to the fact that she’s smart (as if I didn’t know that) and therefore bored when she races through her work in a matter of minutes where the rest of the class are taking the whole lesson. The problem then seems to be that they won’t allow her to draw her own style and she said to me yesterday that she doesn’t think she’ll be doing art until 2nd or even 3rd term (she’s bitterly disappointed).

Top that “not quite fitting in at school” feeling with my supervisors telling me that the kids aren’t really welcome in the office in the afternoons each day for the last hour I’ve to work as they are a distraction and this “isn’t a child minding service”. So instead they have to find something else to do for an hour after they get into the city. How responsible of them and “family friendly”!

Feels like a step backwards


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