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13 March, 2013

I’m trying to stay on an even keel – How? You might ask. Distraction…

Hubby and I had a civil day yesterday. We spoke civilly on the phone as I had left work early to deal with my daughter going into her 6th day of migraine headache and then later at home, although it was a stretch for me to eat dinner outside in the autumn heat with him.

After such a positive evening though it paved way for me to wake up disturbed after a really early start of cat meowing, too early alarm, sighing dog, exhausted me and time ticking on to get up. Then I was asked to iron a shirt for hubby, I went down and couldn’t find the requested shirt. Patience diminished he got another shirt ironed.

I was so slow getting ready this morning that at our usual departure time I was still in my pyjamas when he and the kids were all ready to go. Up for a change and they were sitting in the car ready to leave.

I ended up putting my sunglasses on and closing my eyes, especially after we got to the end of our road and there was a long snaking line of traffic at roadworks. Hubby was getting irate and stressed so I tried to just switch it off and not allow his stress come onto me as he darted through traffic or complained about other drivers.

I got into work with half my coffee from home already drunk and felt like I was dragging myself through syrup. I finished my coffee and still had stupid thinking happening to the point where I thought I should stop answering phones because I probably wasn’t even making sense.

By 10.30am I was still groggy and exhausted to the point where I posted on Facebook that I needed an “SOS coffee”. Hubby was unexpectedly in town and delivered me one. When we met he had been with his psych and was in a really positive mood. She reckons he’s doing so well that she only needs to see him once a month!

He then couldn’t help himself when I asked him that and said that she thought it was me that needed help. I asked him if he’s implying that I’m not getting help. He said no but he didn’t want to take the conversation the wrong direction and didn’t want us getting into an argument on the street.

So I’m left with hubby feeling really positive and doing well (although he took a turn into a street and drove on the wrong side of a two way street when he thought it was a one way section) and I’m feeling like a complete loser in that it’s me not seeming to be the one coping.

So I’m not sure what I’m after – some reassurance that it’s not all me, some reassurance that I’m not imagining things, some reassurance that how I’m feeling is validated that I’m not making things up.

On top of feeling exhausted I feel somewhat defeated. Too weak to keep fighting, too tired to resolve things.

Last week I took Thursday and then Friday off with my daughter and her migraine headaches. We sat home, watched movies, ate strawberries dipped in warm chocolate, relaxed and did little. This continued somewhat through the weekend with a public holiday on the Monday with the kids asking for a bike ride (which was denied due to the weather – I was too lazy is the real reason). When I took the eldest to work I brought the beagle but he wasn’t interested in me at all and ran off after another dog, then ignored the dog and just trotted after the two people walking the dog as if he belonged to them. He couldn’t have cared if I were there in the slightest – such a boost to the ol’ ego!

So even having 5 days off work doesn’t seem to have refreshed me. If that’s not going to rejuvenate me then what will? I just want to sleep the sleep of the dead, wake up refreshed and have some motivation for the day. Instead I have work mounting up around me (which I do slowly whittle away) but my care is limited and I have to work doubly hard to do it right.

Do I need a med change? Do I need a physical change of scenery? Is walking away from marriage the way to go? Should I take a trip back to Ireland? Is my step mother dying making things harder for me away from home? Is the problem me?

Questions questions…

So I try and dig into work and have those stupid little jokes and conversations with colleagues that time waste but bond. I was in work early this morning so took my time on my lunch break (ending up taking nearly 40 minutes instead of my allocated 20mins).

My attitude isn’t one of “I don’t care” but more like “Meh – I’m too tired to put the effort into anything”. My pace isn’t the frenetic pace, it’s more of a stroll. I’m less hurried, cruisy, mellow even…

This could get dangerous!

My meeting last night was cancelled as C had double booked. I have instead got a psych appointment on Thursday and then C coming that night so Thursday will be a big day.

I sure hope something can shift cos this air is claustrophobic


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